two weeks in and all i got was this list of guerilla parenting tactics

As a general rule, I've decided to treat this time of my life (newborn + 2-year-old) like finals week.
I'll be drinking a lot of coffee.
I'll be sleeping a lot less than I want to.
I'll be living in yoga pants and messy ponytails.
I'll be running on a cocktail of sugar, adrenaline, and momentum.
Then it will end, and I'll be grateful to have my life back, and proud of how scrappy I was.

But since I'm two weeks in, and therefore a total fucking boss*, I want to share some of my tactics to get through this finals week/year of guerilla parenting.

- if you want to get dressed, do it before your kids wake up. 
It's not that you won't have time after they wake up. It's that you will have to make the choice between taking care of your kids and getting dressed. And let's be real.

Pajamas + cutting up grapes > jeans + toddler whining "graaaaaaaapes! Mooooommmmmyyyyy!"

- if you want to eat breakfast, do it before your kids wake up. See above.

- if you want to do anything in the bathroom, do it before your kids wake up. See above.

- do not attempt any arts and crafts projects involving glue, glitter, paint, or markers. 
Stickers are okay.

- in the words of a delightful friend, lean in. 
Lean into Dora.
Lean into crunchy snacks.
Lean into juice.
Lean into saying, "sure, okay, why not?"
Lean into binkies.

- shelve your pride. 
When friends text you and say, "we'd love to bring you dinner sometime!" Respond, "Monday is open. See you at 5:30. I don't eat pork. Xoxo."

- shelve your guilt. 
Guilty about letting your toddler play alone? Don't be.
Teaching your child to enjoy the pleasure of his own company is the greatest gift you can give him.

Guilty about bothering the pediatrician about that toenail thing? Don't be.
That's the pediatrician's job. To deal with the toenail thing.

Guilty about snacks from a box or dinners from the microwave? Don't be.
Your kids don't care if the peaches were peeled and sliced or dumped from a can - either way your own two hands put food on the table. 

- be crystal fucking clear with your partner about what you need to maintain your sanity.
Don't say, "I'd like to take a shower at some point tonight."
Say, "I need you to hold the baby right now so I can shower while drinking a beer and listening to an audiobook. I smell like I have been Occupying Wall Street and if I don't get a chance to bathe, drink, and escape my life for 15 minutes, I will go insane and I will take everyone with me." 

- accept that nap time may be classically productive, or it may be new-normal productive.
Examples of classically productive nap time activities: laundry, dishes, making a meal, making a bed, writing emails, banking, exercising.
Examples of new-normal productive nap time activities: staring, drinking water, peeing, checking Facebook, watching Orange is the New Black.

- drink water, and drink it hard.
The baby is sucking you dry and you have to hydrate but (sassy voice) ain't no new mama got time for sipping! This ain't no spa day at the Bellaggio! Bottoms up, bitches!

- drink beer, and drink it slow.
Or wine. Or milkshakes. Whatever. Mama gets a treat.

- be grateful.
For a few minutes to yourself.
For a friend who ordered you a pizza in the middle of the afternoon. From Texas.
For health.
For sunshine.
For that ice-cold beer.

- use whatcha got.
Ergo. Bouncy chair. Swing. Rock'n'play. Bassinet. Car seat. Boppy. USE IT.

- pick the most important thing from your old life, the thing you miss the most. Keep it.
There's no reason you have to give up everything. Don't get me wrong, you're going to give up a lot. Most of it. Almost everything. And the things you want to keep you'll have to fight for. But you can fight for them, and you can win. So what do you miss? Spinning class? Going out to drinks with your friends once a week? Date night? Going to the movies? Book club?
Schedule it.
Make it a priority.
Keep it.

Anyone else have a total fucking boss newborn survival tactic to share with my 12-14 readers from the continental US, and 1 guy from Russia?

*total fucking boss is code for blindly groping borderline psychotic, FYI.


  1. Make a delicious, nutritious dish (ahem, enchiladas) you can heat up easily for lunches and dinners. Not having to worry about what I will eat and more importantly, staying energized has been key this past week. (P.S. Thank you!!!)

  2. Katie, your posts are great! Not helping my insomnia though since they are far too entertaining and honest. So for the sake of my sleep could you try to be a little less candid & funny and a little more dull & boring. I predict your readership to skyrocket very very soon!