i hate everything

I hate the way the ugly ends of pillows hang out of the pillowcases. I hate the way lotion falls off the bedside table when I reach for it and overshoot. I hate the extension cords under the bed.

I hate the way the rough skin on my feet catches on the sheets. I hate how wet hair makes my neck feel like the bayou.

I hate the temperature of Buster's body. I am sitting in a chair with a pizza oven brick wrapped in a fresh-from-the-dryer blanket. In July.

I hate the fact that Ryan never throws his beer bottle caps away so then I find them on the kitchen counter and have to walk them the three feet to the trash. That didn't happen tonight. But it could have. And I would have hated it.

I hate that my autocorrect tried to change bottle to burgle and I had to fucking go back and say NO I meant bottle cap not burgle cap you wonky spelling robot.

I hate my clothes.

I hate that my dresser drawers are never completely closed. There's always one drawer with like part of a pair of jeans sticking out.

Also, my tummy hurts.

And I hate having hemorrhoids.

And I hate Zooey Deschanel and her stupid faux-40's singing voice. STOP TRYING SO HARD YOU PIXIE-FACED HAG!

I hate having this conversation with Ryan. We have some version of this conversation once a month:

Him: (looking around) the house is a mess.
Me: yep.
Him: we have so much STUFF. That's the problem. We have too much stuff.
Me: OK, what do you want to get rid of? Books? Toys? How about our wedding pictures? The plates in the pantry? I vote for the cats because then we can lose all their shit too.
Him: don't get mad.
Me: we picked a life that requires stuff. We buy stuff and we use it for awhile and then we donate it and buy more stuff. We live in America. We aren't Maori tribesmen or roving circus folk. Our lives do not fit in a duffle bag.
Him: I'm just asking, do we need to keep this plastic Starbucks cup full of pen caps?
Me: ... oh. No. We can lose that.

I hate fireworks. We buy fireworks from impoverished Indian reservations, from people on the brink of extinction because we are an invasive species that violently choked out their way of life. We do this to celebrate American patriotism. 

I hate that I do not have a pizza right now.

I hate touching sponges. I hate mildewy towels. I hate old, chipped, long-toenail pedicures. I hate that all of those things are going to be part of my day tomorrow.

I hate that in the course of typing this post on my phone, autocorrect DID NOT CHANGE "kitcheb" to "kitchen," but instead changed "mad" to "Maas," "pizza" to "pity," and "mildewy" to " mildest." All wrong. So wrong. Just stop. It's only making me Maaser.

Basically I hate the way life makes a mess and my phone tries to convince me that pizza is a pity and mildewy towels are a mild annoyance. 

They're not. Pizza is the glory of God and mildewy towels are an insult to freshly-showered skin.

Hey phone? It's ok that I hate everything tonight. Sometimes I just need to sit in my stew and burble till I giggle. So fuck off. We're burbling here.

What do you hate tonight?


  1. i hate that its such a big deal for SOMEBODY around here to drill two pre-drilled holes to keep a bookshelf from falling on our two-year-old. and when its done, after a week, he acts like he carries this family. and that its easier to just do it myself and thats why i find myself just doing it myself...too much of the time.
    but i love that you can be brutally honest. and i love that we're friends.

    1. Kelsey, we STILL haven't drilled in our earthquake straps. I love that we're friends too.