how to not fall asleep

How to Not Fall Asleep
By Chicken

So you've decided to Not Fall Asleep! I'd like to be the first to welcome you to this exciting, life-changing philosophy. This guide is only the beginning of a whirlwind journey to a bigger, brighter world full of way more feelings.

Now, I know it's a big shift, but follow a few easy steps and you too can spend those nap time hours awake, dedicating yourself to more enriching pursuits. 

1. Throw all your pillows and blankets out of your crib. You won't be needing those, Mr. or Ms. Sunshine! Plus, with the extra space in your crib you can dive right on to Chicken's Total Insanity Crib Workout! You can carve up and slim down that pudding-pop-pot belly with a high intensity interval sesh that includes: 

- running in laps around the crib
- bouncing on the mattress while holding onto the crib rail
- hanging on the crib rail and yelling "I'm a monkey!"
- rolling back and forth
- lying on your back and kicking the mattress while going "AAAAAAAAAAA EEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII OOOOOOOOOOO UUUUUUUU."

2. Speaking of vocalizing, it's important to remember that your voice is an instrument, and must be tuned, protected, warmed up and cooled down. "Nap time" is the perfect time to work on those dynamics! Try some scales while howling "Mommyyyyy!" To see which pitch really produces results, you will have to hold out the "eeee" part for as long as you can. You could also practice shrieking! "HEE!" is a great word for shrieking. Make sure to keep going higher and higher. Nope, higher. Think, like, malfunctioning farm equipment. 

3. Don't be afraid to declare your intentions! "Parents" are notoriously stubborn when it comes to only hearing what they want to hear, and a well-timed catch phrase can really help cut through their willful deafness, and make clear your intention Not to Fall Asleep! Here are a few of my personal favorites: 

Simple, timeless. Can be spoken, wailed, hollered, or chanted.

- Time to watch a movie!
The perfect comeback to the classic "Parent" line, "it's time to take a nap."

- Have a poop!
Whether or not you have a poop. Guaranteed to produce results!

- No sleep. No sleep. My applesauce.
I don't think I need to unpack this one for you. It's just plain good sense.

4. If one of your "Parents" decides to come in and "help you fall asleep," don't worry! This is a great opportunity to try a few of our more innovative Not Fall Asleep Parent Strategies! When your "Mommy" wraps you in a blanket and starts singing a quiet lullaby, try sticking your finger in her ear and asking her "what's in there?" You could also request a different song- but make sure to continue requesting different songs every four or five seconds. No need to have an extensive library- you can just alternate back and forth between two favorites!

Mommy: twinkle, twinkle, little st--
Chicken: Baa Baa Sheep?
Mommy: okay... Baa baa black sh--
Chicken: Twinkle Star?
Mommy: twinkle, twinkle, litt--
Chicken: Baa Baa Sheep?

When she starts looking up at the ceiling, gritting her teeth, or sighing like a draft horse, you know you're getting somewhere!

5. In a pinch, crying will keep you awake, forever. Just keep crying, and asking for things that you don't actually expect your "Parents" to bring you. Purple quesadillas, books that belong to your cousins in Amarillo, unicorn puppets, and Mommy's shoes all make great requests. To really make an impact, you have to make sure you ask in such a way that suggests that if only you had that one special thing, you would fall asleep. Because your "Parents" will not or cannot satisfy your requests, hey man, it's on them now.

If you practice these 5 principles of How to Not Fall Asleep, I give you my personal guarantee that by 4, 4:30 in the afternoon you will be riding the heart-pounding roller coaster of wildly careening emotions that only a Not Sleeper can withstand. 

When brushing up against an upholstered chair brings you to your knees in psychic anguish, and when the sight of your kitty puzzle makes you run around in circles on the carpet and hoot like an owl, well, I would say that congratulations are in order. Now get out there and Not Fall Asleep! 

1 comment:

  1. This could not be more accurate. My son follows this guide religiously. Well, at home, that is. On the weekends...

    At daycare, he's rumored to take TWO hearty naps willingly and with some kind of sick, twisted ease.

    I'm not sure if he hates me or if the daycare puts Benadryl in their sippy cups?