mission impossible

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to put your 5-month-old baby to sleep.

At approximately 0700 in the evening (and yes I know that you're supposed to do the 24-hour clock in military time but I'm fucking tired and this post is a joke so cut me some slack k thanks) change the  baby's diaper.

Hold him lovingly as you feed him warm milk from your breast, then wrap him tightly in a soft blanket that smells faintly of lavender.

Turn on the little machine that makes whooshy-ocean sounds and turn down the lights.

Hold the warm, full, snuggly, darling babe in your arms and rock him, side to side, up and down, back and forth, dealer's choice.

Sing a little song. He's partial to "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," but again, pick your poison.

Lay him gently in his crib and croon, "good night sweet angel, sweet dreams, sleep tight." Turn off the lights, and leave the room.

He should definitely just fall asleep at this point.

PS - If he doesn't fall asleep on his own, you may need to sit on the floor next to his crib in a bathrobe, reciting the Jabberwocky poem over and over again in your NPR voice, while playing Plants vs. Zombies on your phone.

PPS - ... for one hour and twenty minutes.

PPPS - The leftover Halloween candy is in a bag on top of the fridge.


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