the postpartum guide to looking fancy

First, you must accept that none of your pre-baby cocktail dresses will fit you.

Get okay with it.

If you need to try a few of them on in order to get there, okay, fine, try a few of them on. Have a shot of something strong and woodsy nearby and don't cry - you might feel like a fat lady who is trying way too hard to wear a tiny sparkle dress, but you don't look nearly as bad as you think you do, and I've got your back.

Take another shot. We're gonna get through this.

Second, and I cannot emphasize this enough:


It's all about tits, hair, and shoes. 

If you want to fake an accent be my guest, but you might not want to go as big as she does. WE GET IT, SoVerge.

Let's go item by item.

1. Tits.

If you're postpartum, everything is a little bigger than it used to be. Make no mistake, there is nothing wrong with being bigger than you used to be. I'm not even going to say "you're still beautiful," because to say that would only insinuate that at some point there was a thought out there that you're not beautiful and that is malarkey. (I'd usually say batshit fucking nutballs, but I thought I'd skew more conservative for this post. Wait, yeah, no, one of my list items is Tits. You right.)

You just have to change your inner monologue a little bit. Instead of thinking, "ugh, this dress would look amazing on Keira Knightley but I look like a melted snowman," think, "Sophia Vergara would never wear this. I need something with more FIYAH."

You've got a nice little rack of lamb, sister. Work it. Not so much as to garner infamous Sophia Loren side-eye, but put on an underwire bra and grab something that dips a little lower. Nobody will think you're slutty. Unless you look slutty. That's a judgment call for you. Pro-tip: the more you reveal on top, the more you have to engage in erudite banter about goings-on in the third world and the Senate. Just FYI.

2. Hair.

More is more and bigger is bigger.

If you're feeling insecure about the raw materials, then it's time for good grooming to step up to the plate. Bust out the curling iron and tease your shit UP, girl. Buy a bumpit next time you're at Bed Bath and Beyond.

And while we're talking about grooming, Do whatever you have to do to make you feel like you've paid attention to your body in a positive way, to show others that you're aware of your body, that you appreciate your own form, and you are adorning it accordingly. In short, I say YES, throw on some more mascara! SURE, add 37 bangle bracelets to the mix! I AM!

3. Shoes

Heels are better, as long as you can walk. If you're unsure or feeling wobbly, don your wedges or boots or whichever pair of shoes makes you walk all sassy-like. Mmm hmmm. Like that. Girl, you gonna break somethin!

If you're feeling frumpy, wear sexy shoes. If you're feeling dumpy, add height. It's just science.

Okay, that's it.

I have to go finish curling my hair and find a slutty top to wear. (I've been reading The Economist while I breastfeed, so I'm good to go.)


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