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Top Ten Things You Should Not Attempt On A Night Of Sleep Like Last Night:

 1. Do not attempt to make new friends. Do not attempt to engage in small talk or witty/edgy banter. After last night's sleep, at best you'll come across as dull or pathetic. At worst, your "banter" will result in criminal charges and a lifetime blacklisting at Gymboree.

2. Do not attempt to take your toddler to the beach. You will not be able to keep him alive at the beach. Not on last night's sleep, sister.

3. Do not watch any episodes of Grey's Anatomy on last night's sleep. ESPECIALLY do not watch any episodes of Gray's Anatomy in which a funny and warm no-name actress appears as a pregnant patient where "everything looks routine," and she cracks jokes and kisses her husband and makes all the interns smile in the first 15 minutes of the show. That is a Shonda Red Flag. Nobody is getting out of that shit alive. Your partner/mom/sister/best friend doesn't need a sobbing phone call from you today.

4. Do not attempt to cook dinner. Not on last night's sleep. That's why God made online pizza ordering, microwaves, Whole Foods salad bars, and wine.

5.  Do not purchase anything nonrefundable. After last night, every decision you make today is a mistake. Every single one.

6. Do not sign up for a marathon. Not after last night. Do not sign up for an online class in creative writing. Do not sign up for paperless billing. Do not sign up for ANYTHING. After last night's sleep? Signing up for anything WILL add you to every spam mailing list on Earth, plus a subscription to Latina magazine and the Nigerian Prince hotline.

7. Do not attempt to formulate an opinion on the events of the world. Repeat after me: "Pass."

8. Do not attempt to initiate any major life changes or undertake to accomplish any tasks whatsoever. This includes but is not limited to major haircuts, lease-signings, job interviews, stopping birth control, tinting your eyebrows, putting up the fucking Christmas tree, doing laundry, reading a book, stopping by the store real quick (you will spend 45 minutes wandering aimlessly up and down the soup aisle), arts and crafts of any kind, baking, writing a letter to your Congressman (you will be put on a watchlist), or driving while doing ANYTHING ELSE. ANYTHING.

9. Do not attempt to make a list with 10 items in it. After last night's sleep, ten items on a list might as well be a definitive tome on the history of air. You know you can only scrape together 9 fucking items. 9 THIN items. 

Who are we kidding. 8. 


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