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Top Ten Things You Should Not Attempt On A Night Of Sleep Like Last Night:

 1. Do not attempt to make new friends. Do not attempt to engage in small talk or witty banter. After last night's sleep, at best you'll come across as dull or pathetic. At worst, your "banter" will result in criminal charges and a lifetime blacklisting at the Starbucks Drive-Thru.

oh i'm sorry
was i unclear
this isn't bad small talk

this is like
"10 blissful hours of uninterrupted sleep" small talk
this has a question in it
and it's a nice question

no no friend
i'm talking about the small talk you make after
last night
2 hours
2 hard hours
 on the floor
outside your child's door

the rest of the night you lay there
feeling your eyes redden while the 3yo screamed
that he wanted to hear your ideas
he was literally screaming
"i want to hear your ideas
please just tell me your ideas"
and you whispered
"sweet dreams little one
time to sleep"
over and over and over again

ok now that's 2-hour small talk

2. Do not attempt to take your child to the beach. You will not be able to keep him alive at the beach. Not on last night's sleep. Death awaits you at the beach. I warned you.

3. Do not watch any episodes of Grey's Anatomy on last night's sleep. ESPECIALLY do not watch any episodes of Gray's Anatomy in which a funny and warm no-name actress appears as a pregnant patient where "everything looks routine," and she cracks jokes and kisses her husband and makes all the interns smile in the first 15 minutes of the show. That is a Shonda Red Flag. Nobody is getting out of that shit alive. Your partner/mom/sister/best friend doesn't need a sobbing phone call from you today.

me watching grey's anatomy
every time i meet a nice pregnant character

4. Do not attempt to cook dinner. Not on last night's sleep. That's why God made cereal. Milk optional, bitches.

5.  Do not purchase anything nonrefundable. After last night, every decision you make today is a mistake. Every single one. Do not even purchase lifesaving medication. You'll just fuck it up. Want to save a life? Go home and take a nap.

6. Do not sign up for a marathon. Not after last night. Do not sign up for an online class in creative writing. Do not sign up for paperless billing. Do not sign up for ANYTHING. After last night's sleep? Signing up for anything WILL add you to every spam mailing list on Earth. If you try to type in your Gmail password you'll end up with a lifetime daily subscription to Belle Madame Wig Collection Catalogue. Sure, pumpkin. Go ahead and move. They'll find you. And sooner or later, they'll get you.

for real though
nice perücken
that's a cute look

7. Do not attempt to formulate an opinion on the events of the world. Repeat after me: "Pass."

8. Do not attempt to initiate any major life changes or undertake to accomplish any tasks whatsoever. This includes but is not limited to: haircuts, bang-trims, lease-signings, job interviews, stopping birth control, tinting your eyebrows, putting up the fucking Christmas tree, doing laundry, reading a book, stopping by the store real quick (you will spend 45 minutes wandering aimlessly up and down the soup aisle), arts and crafts of any kind, baking, writing a letter to your Congressman (you will be put on a watchlist), or driving while doing ANYTHING ELSE. ANYTHING. NOTHING. DO NOTHING.

9. Especially do not attempt to make a list with 10 items in it. After last night's sleep, ten items on a list might as well be a definitive tome on the history of air. You know you can only scrape together 9 fucking items. 9 THIN items. 

Who are we kidding. 8.

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