hey mami

This guy was checking me out at the zoo.*

And honestly, who could blame him?

I was testing this amazing guide I'm writing on how to be super-sexy with two kids at the toddler gym, and boy, let me tell you, did my tips ever work!

I've transcribed my favorites below:

1. No man can resist a full, luscious muffin top bulging out from around the Ergobaby waist strap. Cinch it UP, girls. Sexuality bonus: Make sure your top accidentally rides up to reveal your actual flesh. Whoopsies! (winky face) Let him drink in that soft, white hip/wasit/butt/back flesh, lookin' as tasty as unbaked bread dough in the back of the Safeway bakery.

2. Dance is the language of seduction. Make sure to let him see you dancing around as you attempt to lull your infant to sleep. The bouncier the better - he wants to see that baby weight wiggle! 

3. Ladies, want to get a man and KEEP your man? Let him watch you wipe your toddler's green snot off of his face with your bare hand, and then rub it into your own pants leg. Yeah... that's nasty. In a good way.

4. Show him you can really talk dirty. Let him overhear you as you whisper in a sultry voice: "do you have poops? Are you a poopy boy? You are, aren't you... why don't you let mommy clean up that poopy, poopy bottom."

5. Three little words: Old. Yoga. Pants.
The more pilled the better. Also great: if they're too long and have frayed hems. Rrrrrowrrrr.

6. Two more little words: Panty. Lines.
Because he WANTS TO BE ABLE TO SEE that you're wearing panties. Yeah, big ones, you little minx.

7. Do you smell like a port-a-potty along a marathon route? Well you should! Men are animals, and nothing draws them more than a thick lady musk, cultivated over a series of showerless days of relentless sweating, getting barfed on, getting peed on, getting pooped on, and layers and layers of Secret Powder Fresh deodorant.

OK, mamas. There you have it.

Katie's favorite tips for turning heads everywhere you go.

* he really wasn't. Pretty sure Chicken was dragging his kid around by his shirt and he was checking to see if I was going to do something about it. I did. Once I finished this blog post.


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