truth bomb: the five minute face

With two babies and all this blogging/laundry avoiding, I don't have time for the kind of grooming regimen they'd recommend for me at the MAC counter at Nordy's.

Let's be real - the MAC counter wouldn't even have me. They'd be like, "so... are you like sick, or...? Oh, you're a MOM. Let me walk you over to Clinique, ma'am."

BOOM MAKEUP BURN! (on myself...)

But I'm still a girl. I want to look, you know, well. Alive. Pretty even!
Well, I'll stick with alive.

So I did some research into the 5-minute face. I can do a face in 5 minutes, right?
I'm starting with good raw material.
Which is to say, a face.
I have one.
Technically I wake up every day with a 0-minute face.
Here it is.
Bones, skin, nose for days...

Hey! Look at that! A 5-minute face with only 5 products!

This is so accessible and clearly laid-out.
You guys, I can totally do this! 
She looks fresh-faced and natural! 
Her eyes, how they sparkle! 
Her cheeks, plump and rosy! 
Her complexion, even and quietly glowing! 
And her hair is STILL in a ponytail! 
5 minutes is all it takes to look like that?! YES! 
New Year's Resolution of 5-minute facing is ON!

So I went for it.
Like a lamb to the MAC counter, I went for it.

You guys.
Hair aside.
This is a 5-minute face.
I did the whole fucking thing.

Fresh-faced and natural? 
More like meth-faced and feral.

Eyes? Sparkling? 
Does glassy count?

My cheeks might be rosy
but they're as leathery and empty
as two old whoopie cushions
that a cabbie sat on
all day
in July
while he ate a burrito.

And my complexion
is the tortilla
wrapped around that cabbie's burrito
soft and a little stretchy
charred in places
with rice stuck to it
(not in this picture, but you know, anytime anyone orders rice I'm walking out with a piece on my face somewhere.)

Fun fact, guys.
When your tinted moisturizer says it's "brightening"
what that means is
"Girl I am full of microglitter
and if you put me on
so help me God
I will make you look
like Britney Spears
not 20 years ago
but today
because you know 
that toe-up diva is still slathering on the glitter like it's 1992."

My chapstick is like
you know
I love you
your lips
if I'm being honest
kind of feel like a stale croissant

My mascara is like 
what am I, a fucking wizard?
Girl, no mascara on Earth is going to make you
or Asian
not on 5 hours of sleep a night girl
I only do eyelashes
and eyelashes
are not what is bringing your shit down

My moisturizer is like
ohmygosh you actually thought you'd look pretty
that's so sweet
bless your heart
(my moisturizer is kind of a snotty bitch)


I look how I feel
which is not
gorgeously ethnic
cafe-au-lait skinned
sipping on a coconut water
wearing sunscreen and clothes
that I selected
because I wanted to wear them.
None of that.
At all.

I look how I feel
which is
like I spent the morning
pushing a swing
and hearing Chicken crow
"I'm in the sky!"

Like I spent last night
sitting awake
and singing
and saying
you're safe baby
you can sleep now
I'm here

Like there is more to a day
than 5 minutes.
Like my face
is the least beautiful thing
in all of my days.
Thank God.

The good news is
now that I've seen that my 5-minute face
looks like 
an only slightly less cadaverous version 
of my 0-minute face
I'mma save that 1,825 minutes this year
and use that extra 30 hours
to sleep
and possibly drink some coconut water
or at least
eat a Mounds bar.


  1. I love this so much I sent it to my sister. P.S. You don't need the 5 minute face because you wake up looking perfect. So you really have a zero minute face. And it's perfect. And that makes me mad.

  2. "Like there is more to a day
    than 5 minutes.
    Like my face
    is the least beautiful thing
    in all of my days.
    Thank God."

    You are my snarky spirit animal.