a step-by-step guide to fucking tuesday

1. Don't panic. The laws of physics clearly state that Fucking Tuesday can last no more than 24 hours at a time. You can do anything for 24 hours. Plus it's already 5 am so it's really only 19 hours. 19 hours! Psh. You got this.

2.  Get dressed and put your hair up before any small humans are awake. Make time to drink coffee and eat something this morning.

3. BUT NOT TOO MUCH COFFEE. The last time you had too much coffee on too little sleep you spent the whole day with 9-1 pre-dialed into your phone, waiting to have a heart attack. You were like, "I think there is about to be an earthquake or a terror attack or maybe I just drank too much coffee I should eat some cheese, that'll help, that's a thing, isn't it?" Seems like it should be, but no. It's not.

4. Oh shit, the small humans are awake and you're still in your pjs. Don't you wish sometimes that you could just sleep in the next day's clothes? I suppose you could, but at what cost? At what cost, I ask?

5. Don't panic. The laws of physics clearly state that Fucking Tuesday can, at this point, only last 18 hours longer. 18 hours! The Lord of the Rings Director's Cut Trilogy is* longer than that!

* is = feels

6. Try to keep it light this morning. It is never harder to be the tone-setter than on a morning that began too early. Smiling and singing is an uphill battle when you woke up in the dark. I know. I also know that whenever I wake up Chicken with storm clouds on my face, the kid goes to a very, very dark place. I wish he were old enough to be able to say, "oh, Mommy's tired  and grumpy today. I should be quiet and sweet and do everything she asks of me without trying to run away or kick her." But he's not. He's just old enough to be able to say, "oh, Mommy's tired and grumpy today. It must be Tired and Grumpy Day!" And for that, I have no one to thank but myself. So. Put on some music that you like and try to get a little happy.

7. Be gentle with yourself. You slept like shit and the day's barely begun and despite a solid string of thumbs-up jams on your Booty Sweat station on Pandora, the toddler can smell your desperation. You're on the edge. The last thing you need is to leave your own team. The thing about Tuesday is that it can only last so long, but it makes you believe it is going to last forever. This isn't the Twilight Zone. It's Tuesday. Don't panic. It's okay to take a shortcut. It's okay to buy lunch at the drive-thru today or sit with the baby and watch How I Met Your Mother. Be your own friend. You wouldn't kick your friend for letting the kid watch some Dora on a day she felt like shit. You wouldn't call your friend lazy for grabbing a burger because salt tastes fucking amazing today. Just be your own friend a little.

8. Triage your shit.

Not optional tasks, in my opinion, include:

drinking coffee, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner, diaper changes as needed, dressing self and children appropriately for weather, packing toddler's lunch, taking toddler to school, picking toddler up from school, putting kids down for naps as needed, feeding baby as needed, keeping all souls alive in home until reinforcements arrive. That's a lot of work, just that, just the must-do stuff.

Optional tasks, again in my opinion, include:

home art projects, home-cooked meals, cleaning out the basement, (why? Why does that seem like a good idea today?) showering, tidying up, laundry, dishes, blogging, scheduling dentist appointments for self and toddler.

Laundry isn't a 9-1-1 until laundry is a 9-1-1. Even then, Target sells cheap socks you guys. I know it sounds silly to buy more socks instead of washing perfectly good ones, but in case you didn't get the memo, it's Fucking Tuesday.

9. When one of the children needs to go to the doctor today for a mystery rash, sudden high fever, inverted toenail, or possible concussion (and that's probably going to happen. Thanks, Fucking Tuesday) accept that this one is bigger than you and be thankful that you have access to good medical care. Kids get sick and sometimes their toenails invert. Plus I think there's a drive-thru on the way home. Who wants a frosty?

10. Reach out and touch somebody. I'll be that somebody. All you have to do is text me, comment below, or Facebook me and say Fucking Tuesday. Or Fracking, Flipping, Fudging, if you're like me and prefer not to drop f-bomb on the F-book. Is it Fucking Tuesday for you today? I hope not. But if it is, that's why you've got me, sister. Or whoever.

11. From a purely practical standpoint, here are a few more tips for getting through your Fucking Tuesday:

- Try, just try, not to multitask too much. One thing at a time is enough.

- Take a lot of selfies of yourself making angry/pouty/constipated faces. Text them around. Or, you know, don't.

- For the love of God don't buy jeans or swimsuits.

- Don't be scared of changing your mind today. If you made the kid waffles and he really wanted cereal and he's square-mouthing at the breakfast table, how about you consider those waffles your first snack of the day and make it rain Cheerios?

- Let people in even when they drive all the way up to the "right lane closed ahead" sign before putting on their signal. They are ass holes. If you treat them like ass holes, it might give you a rush of self-righteousness, but then you might be kind of an ass hole too. And you'll feel like one. Or I do. So, with a smile (fake it till ya make it) and resisting the temptation to throw down any passive-aggressive eye rolling or sigh-heaving, I let them in. I mean, I let ONE of them in. I'm not a fucking pansy.

- Your kid loves you and wants you to be happy, not because he worries about your self-actualization but because when you're happy, he's happy. You don't have to, like, fake happiness, because that shit is both transparent and gruesome. But you might try to do some things with your kid that do actually make you happy. It's pretty ridiculous how easily my happiness can be bought by a couple of stories on the couch, or a rousing game of "tow trucks saying hi to each other."

12. Before you know it it will all be over. Fucking Tuesday, you threw down hard today. Respect. But we played our game and stuck together, we stayed on the same team and we focused on what we could control, and this time we came out on top. See you next week, you bastard.

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