cooking with chicken: chocolate cake

Chocolate Cake

By Chicken


15 eggs
1 potty (it looks like an egg, so be very careful)
1 tablespoon flour
12 pickle jars full of very cold milk
(no chocolate)


1. Crack 5 eggs into a red plastic fry basket.

2. Squeeze honey bear into fry basket for the count of 6, and then the count of 4.
(NOTE: Do not count to 10. Don't be that guy.)

3. Add a pinch of salt by turning the salt container upside-down and shaking it vigorously three, maybe six or seven times.

4. Push baby brother away from ingredients. Sit in crib for two minutes while Mommy tells you that in this family we do not push.

5. Return to kitchen. Crack 3 eggs into large red mixing bowl.

6. Remember that you've already started the batter in the red fry basket. Crack those same 3 eggs again into the fry basket. Say "that's better."

7. Add some basil. You must use the basil spoon. It's the yellow one. No, not that one. The other identical yellow one. The one that's missing right now. Refuse to do anything else until Mommy locates the yellow basil spoon. (It's under the sink in the guest bathroom, but don't tell Mommy. She loves this game.)

8. Time to grind the pepper. Just a bit, a touch of spice. Grind pepper continuously over the batter for the duration of the song "American Pie."

... this'll be the day that I die... ooooh this'll be the day that I die...

9. More eggs. No, I don't know how many. Just freestyle and crack as many eggs as feel right to you, in this moment.

10. NOT THE ORANGE EGG. That one is the potty. Obviously we don't crack a potty into our cake batter. We just put that one in whole.

11. Whisk well.

12. Open fridge and retrieve glass pickle jar. Pour milk from jar into fry basket. Replace jar in fridge. Open fridge door again. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

13. Push brother to the ground for touching basil. Sit in crib for two minutes staring blankly at Mommy while she says things like "loving hands" and "baby brother" and "do you understand me."

14. Place fry basket in oven.

15. Immediately remove fry basket from oven, unzip pajamas, fall to the ground, and howl "OOOH NOOOOO! It's RUUUUINED!"

just like they do on Hell's Kitchen

16. Add more honey.

17. Add more salt.

18. Announce, "Ah, that's better." Get dressed again.

19. Go play with garbage trucks.

20. When Mommy asks if you remembered to put flour in your cake, say "yeah" even though you didn't. She'll never know.


Post a Comment