Either that or he's super worried about the polar bears. Or somebody forgot to record 60 Minutes last night. I don't know. I honestly don't know what bee is in his bonnet, but I can tell you that two things, and only these two things, appear to help:
1. My left breast
2. My right breast
He needs a hot milkshake straight from the tap at least every 30 minutes. And he needs the tap itself within arm's reach at all times. When I say the tap, I mean THE TAP. Child is not happy unless he has one of my nipples clenched in his clammy fist, breast tissue bulging from between his fingers like cinnamon bun dough after you've twisted the can.
I am living through the longest titty-twister in recorded history. I know what you're thinking, and yes, I am working on a screenplay. I'm thinking a 4th of July release. Cate Blanchett doing a southern accent, and Tobey Maguire in a prosthetic baby head. That's my vision.
|Cate Blanchett, Tobey Maguire, in a Michael Bay production:|
How Mama Ground Her Teeth Down To Nubs Like an Aztec Grandma
not that one
although Bill Paxton should play Ryan
or maybe the neighbor
of Jerry and Arlene fame
Which brings me to today's question:
Have you ever tried to make a peanut butter sandwich with one hand?
Your left hand?
I submit that it is fucking impossible. Once you stick the knife in the jar, it won't come out, so you try to pull out a pb-loaded knife to smear on your bread, and you end up just shaking a peanut butter jar on a stick.
Plus your tit's out.
Okay, Tuesday. I guess we will try for lunch tomorrow, when you're not so fucking TUESDAY all over my face.