is taco bell still open

It sounded like a good idea at the time.

Sandwiches, roasted sweet potato salad. Simple weeknight dinner. What could be easier, right?

The answer you're looking for is ANYTHING.

ANYTHING would have been easier but the sandwich recipe I picked.

That right there tells you the problem. Who looks up sandwich recipes? I'll tell you who. People without children, and asshole moms who deserve everything they get.

But that which doesn't kill you just gives you ulcers, that's what I always say. And at least now I can walk away a little wiser, having learned the top ten signs that I should not be attempting this recipe.

Top Ten Signs This Recipe Is NOT FOR YOU, Katie:

1. It asks you to make hummus from scratch. 

And on the eighth day, the Lord put hummus in little plastic tubs, so that the people need never again boil chickpeas at home. Are you going to defy the Lord? Do you know how that turns out, usually?

2. It asks you to chop any more than one, MAX two vegetables.

WOMAN, you do not have time to just dawdle at the cutting board chopping nine kinds of vegetables! Who do you think you are, Edward Scissorhands?

3. It asks you to "finely chop" anything at all. 

In your hands, "finely chopping" looks a lot like "homicidal mania."

4. The dish needs to be served hot. Or cold. Or at any temperature that isn't "any temperature will do."

Don't kid yourself - climate change is real and it is in your kitchen, where the cold roasted beet salad is still steaming, and the grilled cheese sandwiches give you frostbite.

5. There is shelling of peas involved.

You know how long it takes to shell a pea? Conveniently, it's the exact same amount of time it takes a 10-month-old baby to locate a toilet brush under the sink in the guest bathroom. And he'd rather eat the toilet brush.

6. It isn't some version of spaghetti.

Listen, Katie. You're a great, versatile cook. You can cook spaghetti, macaroni, farfalle, rotini... tortellini for crying out loud! Sure, sometimes the fettucine gets a little gluey, but girl, nobody ever started a kitchen fire with gluey fettucine. Put down the braised lamb and get the hell back in your wheelhouse. It's the lean-to over there made of lasagna.

7. The recipe uses grams instead of cups.

Put the recipe down and run... these people do not mess around. THEY WEIGH THEIR EGGS HERE. This is black magic indeed.

8. It employs the use of a double-boiler.

Shut down the YouTube search of "how do I rig a double-boiler at home," and get out your can opener. It just became soup night.

9. Nuts need be roasted, toasted, or exposed in any way to a flame.

This is your Achilles heel. You always burn the nuts, girl. ALWAYS. Say it. Accept it. Move on.

10. It includes the phrase, "of course you can always purchase pickled radishes at your local market, but it's a simple matter to pickle them yourself!"

IS IT? IS IT A SIMPLE MATTER, food person? (friend leans in, whispers "the word you're looking for is 'chef.'") IS IT A SIMPLE MATTER, chef? Maybe for you. But I've got one kid sucking on a toilet brush and another standing on a chair in front of the gas burner saying, "woooow... Bluuuuueee ffiiiiiiire... looks pretty..."


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