sleep training 303: catch you on the flip side

Catch Sleep Training 101 and Sleep Training 202 first!

If you feel like you nailed sleep training the first time around, rock steady sister.
Good job. Enjoy the smooth sailing. While it lasts.

If you feel like you blew sleep training the first time around, rock steady sister.
And don't worry.

No matter what, all parents WILL have to deal with sleep at some point, or rather, at every possible point during their kids' lives. There's a reason "Go the Fuck to Sleep" is a best seller.

IT DOESN'T END YOU GUYS

IT NEVER ENDS

The moment you get used to a certain kind of nighttime situation... BAM.

Suddenly up is down, down is up, and BEDTIME IS PARTY TIME.

Not a fun party.

More like the Communist Party.

Or your 26th birthday party when all your friends canceled so it's just you and like one co-worker and one friend from high school who happened to be in town and you invited her on Facebook so she could see how cool and eclectic your friends are and then tell everyone else from high school that you are, like, BETTER now, but now she's sitting in a folding chair in your empty living room looking at you like, "wow, so... this is your life now? Gosh. I'm... I'm sorry. But no, obviously, like... happy birthday."

YEAH.

THAT KIND OF PARTY.

We sleep trained Chicken at 9 months.

And at 13 months.

And at 23 months.

And... RIGHT NOW.

Let me just say, Chicken's crib-vaulting maneuvers of the last 2 nights are doing nothing whatsoever to ameliorate my fears that I'm nurturing an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

So I finished this tonight
wait
did I say finished
I meant
started
but
also
yeah
finished

I kind of want to launch into a long, drawn-out description of the 90-minute battle that was bedtime tonight, but who am I kidding? Nobody cares. (btw I'm in the depression stage of sleep training)

So instead I'm just going to give you the snapshot that pretty much sums up the evening.

Half an hour after "lights out" I moved Buster into the crib in our bedroom so he could actually sleep.

An hour after "lights out" Chicken had left his room 12 times. Every time I put him back in his crib he stiffened up like a man taking some serious voltage, screaming and clinging to my arms. I had to scrape his hands off of my wrists.

An hour and four minutes after "lights out" Chicken realized that if he got out of his crib but stayed in his room, I wouldn't immediately come in and put him back to bed.

An hour and five minutes after "lights out" I went into Chicken's room to find the night light off, the overhead light glaring, the white noise silenced, and Chicken putting his pajamas back in the pajama drawer. He looked up at me, wearing only his night diaper, and said, "See? I'm not tired! I don't need pajamas!"

An hour and eight minutes after "lights out" I went into Chicken's room to find the night light off, the overhead light glaring, the white noise silenced, and Chicken sitting naked on the changing table, putting on a daytime pull-up. "See? I'm not tired! I don't need a night diap!"

Just know, all you sleep training parents out there, that there will come a day when you look at your naked child wearing nothing but teary eyes and eery logic, and you will think:

The time for easy solutions has passed. 

It probably passed a long time ago and your kid just felt sorry for you.

Just know this. There is no way out but through.

But through is the way you will go.

See you on the other side.

The door on the left is our bedroom
slash
Buster's room
The door on the right is Chicken's bedroom
slash
the Alamo

I believe the gate will keep him in
should he rise
again
tonight

I don't know why
but I do
which is so
so
silly of me

The potty
was just there
I don't know why
Sometimes
when you have kids
there are potties
on your carpet
by the Costco bag
stop asking questions
and go to sleep
on the couch
because the children are sleeping
in the rooms
with beds

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