unjustifiably proud of myself

The internet wasn't working.

So, in a flash of brilliance the likes of which has not been seen on this Earth since the day God said LET THERE BE LIGHT, I unplugged the router and then plugged it back in.

I wonder if NASA is hiring
I INVENTED THE INTERNET THIS DAY.

___


The whisk wasn't in the kitchen drawer to the right of the stove. I looked and looked, under the wooden spoon and behind the spatula. But no. The whisk was GONE. All hope was lost. I was going to have to use a fork to whisk the eggs. A FORK. Like Jodie Foster in NELL.

But then, in a moment of crystalline insight into the order of the world, I thought maybe, just maybe I should look in the drawer to the left of the stove, and...

Clever girl
I'm talking about the whisk here
in an Australian accent
If Congress had those kinds of finely-tuned instincts there wouldn't be a war on Christmas anymore, I can say that for certain.

___


I took the sweaters to the dry cleaner. ALL of them. It was seriously like 17 sweaters.

AND I only apologized to the dry cleaner once for the insane number of sweaters.

I know, I'm sorry... we just moved...

That may or may not have been one month ago.

___


I needed to trim my fingernails so I went looking for the fingernail clippers.

Several weeks later I found them.

obviously
in the kitchen
with the stamps
and the tape
duh

And at the moment I found the clippers, as soon as I had them in my hand, I stood over the trash can and finally clipped my fingernails.

I felt like one of those cold case detectives. You can close the folder on this one, Spaznitsky. But some cases... they never leave you...


___


Me: I'd like the veggie burger with cheddar cheese.
Her: Waffle or sweet potato fries?
Me: I'd like the green salad.

No thanks
actually
I'd prefer
room-temp
leaves
do your leaves have stalks
I def need some stalks
fibrous
nutrient-dense
I love how
they get stuck in my teeth
so much better
than
salty
crispy
french fried
potatoes
because I'm good
so good
this time

I think it was pretty clear from the breathless awe that shone from her face that I was the most impressive person she'd met since the new millenium, or possibly ever.

___


Do you have one?

Please share with my dirty dozen readers and Ivan Ivanovich in the comments below!

(What's up Ivan!)







1 comment:

  1. Haha! Cutting the nails! I was close. Such a triumph.

    ReplyDelete