harold and the what now

Funny story.

So the other day I was at Goodwill 
looking through the children's books
and BAM

We already have a copy of this one 
and it's one of Chicken's favorites.
But dude
it's a 79-cent Harold. 
I bet Chicken's school could use another copy of a timeless classic.
Let's just make sure it's not beat to shit...

...okay... kitten sticker inside... 
a little bit of wear and tear on the binding... 
but it seems like it's in pretty good shape. 
I'll just check the first page...

... yep! Looks good!

Tuesday morning 
I brought it into my kid's school 
and gave it to his teacher. 
She thanked me effusively. 
You are so welcome I said. 
Oh my gosh, no problem at all. 
It's my PLEASURE. 
I'm just so happy the kids will be able to enjoy this beautiful book. 
The teacher agreed with me.

And then she opened it
and started to read

One evening, after thinking it over for
some time, Harold decided to go for a walk
in the moonlight.
There wasn't any toilet, and Harold needed a
toilet for a walk in the moonlight.

And he needed some poop to walk on.

He made a long straight trail of poop so he
wouldn't get lost. 

And he set off on his walk, taking his big
purple turd with him.

But he didn't seem to be getting anywhere
on the long straight poop.

So he left the poop for a short butt across
a field. And the moon went with him.

The short butt led right to where Harold
thought a fart ought to be.

He didn't want to get lost in the woods.
So he made a very small fart, with just
one pee in it.

It turned out to be an poop tree.

The apples would be very Gassy, Harold
thought, when they got red.

So he put a constipated dragon under the
tree to fart on the apples.

It was a terribly constipated dragon.

Well played,
11-year-old boy.

There is no way
or anyone
who has read these pages
will ever be able to read this book again
without thinking

It was a terribly constipated dragon.

And when you look 
at that dragon

you see it


That dragon has
the panic sweat face
the please-God-please-no
claw fingers
of someone
who has eaten nothing
but beef jerky
and Kraft mac
for the last 19 days.

Needless to say
I'll be expecting a thank-you note
from the school
in short order.

To which I will reply
You are so welcome.
Oh my gosh, no problem at all. 
It's my PLEASURE. 
I'm just so happy 
the kids 
will be able to enjoy this 
beautiful book. 


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