elite daily is totally killing it seriously


Wow. Thanks, Elite Daily.

No, really. I'm being totally serious right now. 

THANK YOU.

After a day in which Buster slapped a full carafe of creamer off the table in a crowded restaurant...




... a day in which Chicken pinned his brother to the ground and didn't let go even when Buster screamed and I kind of snapped out of it and walked over, I don't know, a minute later... it might have been longer... and then I took a picture...



a day in which I wore the frayed Old Navy shorts and pitted-out tee-shirt that the moms in your article probably reserve for heavy yard work or hobo themed mixers... a day in which nobody in my family was patient, or creative, or adorable, or fit for an internet audience...

On this day I opened Facebook on my phone while peeing my first pee of the day at 3:45 pm and saw your article:


The New Face Of Motherhood: Young, Cool Moms Who Are Totally Killing It





Thank you for telling me that these young, cool moms are killing it. Dude! SPOT ON.

Because mothers don't have enough imaginary contests to win in the minds of strangers who are ranking us against the "competition" every time we leave the house. You brought the competition into my bathroom! Um, so convenient?

Honestly, I don't already focus too much on the appearance of my life and not enough on the content of my life. I think I need to stop PARTICIPATING so much and just OBSERVE, you know? Like, stop talking to my kids unless I'm getting them to smile for a hilarious Instagram, right? Because if it goes viral then I AM KILLING IT!

I really think that the solution to our self-hating, chasing-the-Joneses-and-always-coming-up-short mom culture is MORE OF THIS KIND OF SUPERFICIAL BULLSHIT! No, I'm being so serious.


We can't just "do our best" and "respect different choices" and "find richness in our lives even if we don't look pretty today." Ew! What are we, church ladies?

No. We have to BEAT OTHER MOMS. We have to WIN in the Olympics of mothering.

Honestly, Elite Daily, you've cracked the Da Vinci code. Everyone's all like wah wah wah motherhood isn't a competition boo hoo we're all just doing the best we can sniffle sniffle I know you're the media and if it bleeds it leads, but can't you bleed someone else for a minute (nose honk) sob sob

But they are so annoying and SO wrong. We don't need less competition. Moms need MORE gladiator-meets-Miss-America-style contests! How else will we know who is winning?? You know you're onto something when you and Charlie Sheen share a catchphrase. Am I right? YES. I AM.

Also, I'm still being like dead serious right now.

If I put such a pageant together would you be a platinum sponsor, Elite Daily? Just off the top of my head, these could be some of the events:

1. Whose kid can do a puzzle the fastest?
2. Whose kid speaks the most Spanish?
3. Whose body looks most photoshopped?
4. And of course, the fierce swimsuit selfie-off.

I'm open to more suggestions, though, Elite Daily. You sure seem to know your way around the business of quantifying the value of a mother based on a single snapshot of a single moment in a single day. Which is really all motherhood is, right? It's not like a lifetime of choices that you weave together in the hopes of loving your children the best way you can. Nah, man. It's one pic. This one. 


MY KIDS WIN ENRICHMENT
They're doing puzzles bitches
yeah
WOOD ones
Killing it!

The winner of our mom pageant should get to walk on the bodies of the losers as she ascends a crystal staircase to the throne of perfection, where she will don a handmade sash quilted from vintage kimono fabric (Etsy, natch) and think about how awesome it is to be perfect.

OMG the judges for the pageant could be:

1. a college student who "used to be a nanny for a whole summer" so she knows everything about parenting.

2. the parent of 40-year-old children who doesn't remember shit about what it's like to try to teach a 3-year-old the concept of "inside voices."

3. a burned-out elementary school teacher who has seen it all and knows for sure it's the parent's fault.



Man. Seriously. I want to thank you for taking these photographs of moms who really are doing a great fucking job in these pictures - looking happy, beautiful, wholesome, and worldly. I want to thank you for taking these pictures and labeling them as "great." I want to thank you for showing me some seriously legit momming. And this time I actually am serious.

I think the moms in your article are fucking great. Thank you for honoring their hard work. 

But SERIOUSLY. Look at these moms.



They are STILL fucking great in frog-butt maternity jeans that they have to yank up.

They are STILL fucking great when they're carrying in a bag of KFC for dinner.

They are STILL fucking great when they're on her hands and knees scrubbing diarrhea stains out of the bath mat after that KFC dinner.

Those KIDS are STILL fucking great when they're wearing the hideous back-of-the-car emergency outfits, whining because they're hot and hungry.

Quit telling me these moms are only killing it when they're fucking camera-ready.

Quit inventing a contest for me to try to win. Hear me now:

In my life, the only victory is another day in which my children are loved. Period. 

That's not a victory that can be won from anyone else. I know there's no crystal staircase lined with the bodies of lesser mothers. There are no lesser mothers. If you give a shit, you're killing it.

That throne of perfection is covered in dirty laundry and squeezed-out pouches just like every other fucking chair in my house.

For reals, Elite Daily, you blew it.

But seriously, let me know about that pageant. I guarantee we could get Trump in on that shit. And he's more than a hairdo - he has pageant experience.

2 comments:

  1. THANK YOU ELITE DAILY FOR WRITING AN ARTICLE ABOUT "MOMS WHO ARE KILLING IT" THAT IS CLEARLY DIRECTED AT WOMEN WHO HAVE NOT HAD BABIES YET, BUT HOPE TO, MAYBE, SOMEDAY, AND WHO WILL BE SOOOO MUCH COOLER AT IT THAN ME.

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    Replies
    1. THANK YOU ELITE DAILY FOR MAKING SURE I KNEW THESE MOMS WERE NOT JUST KILLING IT, BUT WERE ALSO KILLING IT WHILE BEING YOUNG AND COOL, WHICH I CAN NEVER BE AGAIN.

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