stop plotting and sleep

Memo to Chicken
The List of Shit I Need You To Not Fuck With While You're Supposed To Be Asleep:
(Current as of July 20, 2015)


1. Your brother.

Yes, that time there was chocolate on his face.
It was ONE TIME.
Stop licking him.
His face smells
like unflossed teeth.
I'm going to start licking you
in the middle of the night.
See how you like it.
Ya wierdo.

2. Your diaper.

Oh you're upset now
because you peed on the floor?
Well
Huh
That's funny
I could have sworn there was 
a diaper 
between your pee hole
and the floor
when I left.
Oh it came off?
Could that possibly be
because you pulled on the tabs
until the diaper fell off
and then you peed 
on your diaper
on the floor
turning your diaper into a fluffy little canoe
in a lake of human waste?
Could that 
possibly
be what happened?

3. The arrangement of the furniture in your bedroom.

THE CHAIR DOES NOT GO IN FRONT OF THE DOOR.
CHICKEN?
CHICKEN?
PLEASE MOVE THE CHAIR.

4. The curtains.

what
pray tell
is so fucking funny
about sunlight
during naptime
also
why are you in buster's crib
also
why is buster's crib
3 feet away from the wall
also
you know what
actually
never mind

5. Light switches.

You know what?
I'll give you this one.
Fine.
Flip away.
Flip like a politician.
Flip like a pancake.
Flip your flipping heart out.

6. Outlets.

People would ask questions if something happened. 
I can't have people asking questions.

7. The place in the wall where, on the night you started climbing furniture, we panicked and drilled to find a stud so we could anchor the changing table to the wall. 

I told you we were panicking.
Also
we were drilling
in the dark
so
yeah
it was a bad night

8. Your brother's binkies.

But seriously.
Where
are
they.

9. The pillowcases.

Do not stuff them with anything. Especially anything mentioned on this list. Especially your diaper. Really especially that.

10. The location and cellular structure of book pages.

So
let me just make sure I'm hearing you.
You'd prefer
that we never read this book again.
Is that what you're saying.
Because
I just want to make sure I'm understanding
that you ripping pages out of the book
means
no
to that book.
Is that
about
it?
No?
Not it?
You'd like me to tape this book together
and read it to you
again
before you tear it apart
tomorrow?
Do we have the tale
of Sisyphus
in board book format?
I feel like
that's a good one for you
right now.


2 comments:

  1. this is priceless. After reading your posts I am convinced I made the right decision, but probably have missed out on some pretty funny stuff.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll tell ya, it's never boring. :)

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