fucking tuesday: the lose lose edition

Hang up your spurs, cowgirl.  Can't nobody win today.

See, even there when I wrote cowgirl? My inner critic said, "that's diminuitive. Make it cowlady." Then my other inner critic said, "you're stupid shut up there's no such thing as a cowlady," and then the first inner critic said, "BECAUSE OF THE PATRIARCHY."

Can't nobody win, but especially not me.

Hey mom in a dirty hoodie with holes in the sleeves?
What are you trying to prove?
That you're above caring about how you look?
You're NOT.
You're making us all look like slobs. 

Hey mom with a blowout and a cashmere sweater?
What are you trying to prove?
That you're above us mere mortals?
You're NOT.
You're making us all look like slobs. 

Hey Chicken slamming the metal truck on the hardwood floor over and over again?
Seriously?
I thought I couldn't feel any worse today.

Hey Chicken taking me hand and asking "how can I help you Mommy?"
Seriously?
Now I know I can't feel any worse today.

Hey pizza for lunch?
That's the last thing I need.

Hey green salad for lunch?
That's the last thing I need.

Hey you, other parents in the waiting room, thanks for NOT HELPING ME drag my two boneless screaming toddlers toward the door.
No, no, it's cool.
I've got it.
I don't need your help at all.

Hey you, guy who opened the door for us and said, "looks like you could use a hand!"
Thanks for making it clear that it's obvious I'm struggling.
No. NO. It's cool.
I've got it. 
I don't need your help. AT ALL.

Hey Buster, thanks for WAKING UP after only 30 minutes this morning before we left the house.
You couldn't have slept just a LITTLE longer?

Hey Buster, thanks for FALLING ASLEEP one minute before I parked at the grocery store.
You couldn't have stayed awake just a LITTLE longer?

Hey Katie, you're such a dick. Leave everybody alone. Everything that's making you want to punch strangers in the solar plexus would roll off your back if you'd adjust that attitude 10 degrees toward the sunny side of the street.

Hey Katie, actually you're such a dick. Leave me alone. I'm in a bad mood today and the only thing that makes me feel better is fantasizing about punching strangers in the solar plexus. Adjust your attitude 10 degrees up your own ass, ya butt head.

Like I said. Can't nobody win. Of course, it is fucking Tuesday.

There's only one cure for this.


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