i hate everything (everything = comcast)

I hate how in the movies everyone's internet always works.

It's not "the magic of Hollywood." It's a filthy lie.

There was that scene in Date Night when Tina Fey yelled at the rainbow wheel, but as soon as she did, the info loaded and she got Mark Wahlberg's address right quick and she and Steve made it out of the real estate office before the crooked cops rolled up.

If yelling at my computer could make the internet work, I would have the fastest motherfucking connection in the galaxy - YES, I am saying that my yell-powered internet speed would be faster than interplanetary genius alien race's internet speed and it's very likely that within a light year a scouting vessel would arrive and be all,

"Hello, Earthling. Despite your barbaric society and elementary understanding of both this world and the worlds beyond, and despite our world's superiority in every possible way (we have fly-thru Chipotle on our planet, suck it humans) somehow you have stumbled upon the secret to the fastest internet connection in the galaxy. We have come to harness your rage, if you think you can spare some."

To which I would reply,

"Don't worry Glurb. Am I saying that right? Glurb? Any relation to the IKEA wall bracket? Sorry, Earth humor. Anyway, Glurb, there is no fucking way that I will ever run out of rage. And you, too, can tap the hot well of fury that is required to scream at a computer loud enough to download the every known episode in the Star Trek universe in 2 seconds flat.

Glurb, this is Comcast. Comcast, meet Glurb. I'll just leave you two to get acquainted over 90 minutes of hold music.

No, Glurb, you're totally right, YOU ARE calling about a technical problem and NOT to sign up for the Comcast triple play.

RIGHT AGAIN GLURB, it IS enraging to try to be sold additional products when the current product that you're overpaying for is about as functional as Stephen Hawking's OTHER finger.

No, Glurb, you DON'T want a land line. And NO, I can't explain why ANYONE wants a land line!

Oh, yeah, okay, you should definitely ask to speak to a supervisor. But first, can I get you like a Gatorade or something? Because you just added another hour onto your Comcast bonding experience.

Oh great, you have a tech person on the phone! Awesome! Because they'll definitely be able to understand your problem and address it promptly. Wait, wait let me guess... did they tell you to "unplug your modem?" THEY DID! IMAGINE MY SHOCK. GALLOPING FUCKING SHOCK ALL OVER MY FACE! And you told them that you've already done that nine times? Yeah. And they told you to do it again? And you did? And it still didn't work? WOW!

Well it says I'm connected now
Google still won't--
Don't you dare
have hung up on me

Oh, Glurb?

Is that the sound of your alien toddler waking up from naptime? So this means that you've spent your entire allotment of free time for the day being fucked with on the phone?

Okay, scream at your computer riiiiiiiiight... NOW!"

You're welcome, Glurb. You're welcome.

And please feel free to take Comcast with you when you go.


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