good night sweet prince

12:00 pm - I realize that it can't wait any longer. It is now officially a poop emergency. Apoopalypse NOW.

12:01 pm - I lure Buster into the bathroom because he can't be trusted with run of the house. He is a climber. 

12:02 pm - Buster starts opening and closing drawers in the bathroom until he finds his new Elmo toothbrush. Still in the box. We bought it yesterday. He brings it to me and politely asks if I would please open it grunt-shrieks like a boy raised by wolves while slapping my knee with the box until I open it. I hand him the toothbrush.

12:03 pm - I lean over to get some toilet paper, leaving a couple of inches of access to the toilet bowl for only a "one-Mississippi," MAX.

12:04 pm - I add "Buster toothbrush" to the shopping list.

it was a bad way to go, elmo
no doubt about it
but please
know
in your heart of hearts
that your impact on my children is not reflected
by how you met your end
no
indeed
you have served honorably and well
for approximately fifteen seconds
before my son
threw you
in a potty
that had not been flushed yet

just because you're shitty now
doesn't mean
you
are shitty
or ever were
except sometimes
on the eighteenth consecutive listen
of elmo's song
or the first time you
as an adult
realize that elmo
only ever refers to himself in the third person
"come on, elmo,
you're not
the rock
mm kay?"

but none of those crimes
was deserving of the punishment

and for that
i extend my sincerest apologies
on behalf
of buster
who threw you
without any hesitation whatsoever
to
your
demise.

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