the procrastinatrix

Don't worry - I am acutely aware of what a hypocrite I am when I sigh, shake my head, and say, "well, shoot, Chicken, I'd like to watch a movie right now too, but you know what babe? It's time to brush your teeth and then grab some shut-eye before we saddle up for this manic pony show again tomorrow. I know, man. It's rough. But that's the way it goes. Sometimes you just have to do things you don't want to do."

I know that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.

Cooking breakfast for three people, two of whom believe they have developed a mortal allergy to waffles at some point in the night? I don't want to do that.

Forcing little feet into little shoes? I would rather lube up my hands with chicken fat and attempt to force live salmon into little shoes. Because at least then I'd have a good story. As it stands now, people are like, "how are you today?" And I'm like, "HOLY SHIT. You want to know how I am? You want to KNOW? How I AM? OH I WILL TELL YOU HOW I AM ... ... ... Chicken kicked a lot when I put his sneaks on."

I'm not a slacker. I pretty much get my shit done. Most of the time you could call me Madonna Getitdonna. No, wait, please don't call me that. You could call me Chickity Checklist. Fuck, no, that's worse... The only reason I'm scraping the bottom of my pun barrel (not a real body part, just weird writing) is because I have all this clean laundry to fold, and I would rather write a thousand horrible "efficient lady superhero aliases" than even breathe on that hamper of baby chinos.

"Sometimes you just have to do things you don't want to do," I say. And it's true for most necessary acts of parenting, adulting, marriageing, insuranceing, and other people's dental hygieneing. But there is a crucial exception.

Sometimes you just have to do things you don't want to do EXCEPT IF THE THING YOU DON'T WANT TO DO IS FOLD AND PUT AWAY CLEAN LAUNDRY in which case you can do anything - ANYTHING - else.

I will do literally anything to avoid folding and putting away clean laundry.


EXAMPLE:

I have one load of clean laundry right now. Two, if you count the cold one in the dryer from yesterday but come one - nobody counts the one you can't see, right?

So like I said, I have one load of clean laundry.

It would take me no more than three minutes to fold it, and no more than five to put away.

seriously
it's not even a big one
there's like
18 things in here

But instead, I did this:

the best part of waking up

is not folding or putting away laundry

Yep. I would rather mix batter, melt butter, and spend an hour flipping banana pancakes for Jon and Kate Plus 8 (cough cough 2009 called it would like its large family reference back) than spend 5 minutes folding and putting away clean laundry.

No but that's a really important job, Katie. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And now, thanks to your selfless sacrifice, your children will have a home-cooked breakfast every morning this week until 2019 (that was a lot of fucking pancakes, brah.)

You're right, Katie. I will now add "make a fuckton of pancakes" to my to-do list right underneath "fold laundry." Now I will immediately cross it off. It feels good to create things that you can get done, doesn't it?

It so does. You are super awesome.

Thanks! I feel awesome! You know, I should probably go into the bedroom and just knock out that laundry... it won't take more than a minute or two...

Yeah sure sure sure you could do that. ORRRRRR...

I'm listening.

If you wanted, you could capture the magic of Christmas and instill a lifelong love of learning in your two children.

... go on.

I was on Pinterest the other day and I saw this thing where you wrap 25 books in coordinating gift wrap and then you number them and it is, like, the cutest, most photogenic (and therefore, best) advent calendar EVER.

Wow... that sounds like a lot of work.

Oh yeah.

I mean, I'd have to leave the house right now--

Goodness, no, this couldn't possibly wait until tomorrow.

And go to a bookstore to browse around for like, a couple of hours--

At least. You want to make sure that you pick 25 books that speak to your values. You have to actually read the books for gosh sakes.

And then I'd have to go pick the gift wrap--

Don't forget the ribbon

And ribbons

Don't forget the cute tags and numbers

AND CUTE TAGS AND NUMBERS

And then, of course, there's the wrapping process.

I'd probably have to watch at least four episodes of the Man in the High Castle while wrapping. (Sigh.) If I were going to do this... it would be, like, a good 7 hours of work.

Yep.

But I am willing to put in those hours. I am just that good a person.

Grab your keys. And let's stop for an americano. You can't browse a bookstore without an artisinal coffee.

You read my mind.

I am your mind.

AM I IN THE MATRIX?

No. You are in the PROCRASTINATRIX.


hello?
it's me
i was wondering
if after all these years
you'd like to meet
i'm sitting
on your bed
cold and wrinkled
and honestly
not that big a deal to take care of
like
before this song is over
it could be done

Wrinkled laundry says what?

What?

HAHAHAHAHAHA
DID YOU GUYS HEAR THAT?
WE TOTALLY GOT THAT LAUNDRY.

What? I don't get it.

Nah, man.
You'd have to be
an Advent Calendar Children's Book to get it.


Yessirree. I would rather shop for, purchase, individually wrap, then number 25 children's books for an advent calendar, than fold and put away clean laundry.

This is an incredible gift that people are going to love on Facebook.

They totally will. I'm glad I, like, set them all out for a pic.

Such a good pic. 

Thanks, Katie. I really appreciate your support.

You know I've always got your back.

I know. But seriously, I have to fold that laundry. I think Buster's gray fleece is in there and it's supposed to be cold tomorrow.

Cold? How cold?

Like, high 30's.

Oh wow, really?

Yeah... wait, why do you sound so worried?

Oh, I don't know. I'm sure your cupboards are stocked in case you get snowed in and can't leave the house for ten days.

Um... I mean, we have some soup and stuff. Plus it's not looking like it'll be cold enough to snow.

Hm.

What?

No, nothing.

WHAT.

It's just...

Oh my God, spill it.

It's just if something were to happen and you didn't have a fully-outfitted first aid kit and stocked pantry and emergency water supply and heat source, I was just wondering if you would ever be able to forgive yourself, is all I was wondering. 

Oh shit.

THE PROCRASTINATRIX HAS YOU.

What?

Hm? What? Nothing. I didn't say anything.


um hi
not that it matters
but
the gray fleece
is not
in fact
in me
i think i saw it in the car
so
no reason to fold here


quick question
did you have any thoughts
as to how one might prepare
20 boxes of macaroni and cheese
without butter
or milk
#apocalypsequestions
#shouldhavegonewithstew

Holler back if you would rather clear out the water and pasta aisles at the grocery store than fold and put away clean laundry.

Holler!

What?

You said to holler back! I hollered. You know, back.

Oh! I never thought about what I was actually saying when I said holler back. It's like, "raise your hand if."

Yeah. Exactly. Raise your hand if your family's security in the event of a natural disaster trumps some Puritanical patriarchical construct of "folded" laundry.

(raises hand)

Can I get a hell yeah, my sister!

Hell yeah! Oh shit, I just checked the weather again and it's actually going to be like high 40's tomorrow.

That was a close one.

Was it? I kinda feel like I overreacted.

What's done is done. The mac WILL get eaten, girl. That much I know is true.

You're right. But seriously, I really have to fold the laundry now, or I'll wake up tomorrow and feel like shit that I didn't take care of it. Please, clock out, take 5, don't try to distract me or produce another voluntary project. If you pull me away from my boring, craptastic laundry, I'll totally be excited for a minute that I'm doing something more fun, but then I'll just feel guilty and lame that I couldn't suck it up for 5 minutes and fold the damn clothes.

You're right. 

I know.

When you're right you're right. And you're right.

Thank you.

I really respect your work ethic.

Aw. Thanks.

And your ability to perceive complex feelings. 

I'm sorry?

You feel things very deeply, don't you?

Oh. I guess I do.

That takes a lot of strength, to feel things the way you do. I only ask because... it's just, I am always so impressed by your emotional fluency. Your feelings are complex and beautiful... and to take the time to try to understand them, and then verbalize them... I'm just, I'm in awe of you.

Wow. I don't know what to say. Thank you. I'm just trying to live my life, you know, like everybody else.

So many people would connect with what you're feeling right now - those complex, beautiful feelings.

Do you think?

You could really shine a light, Katie. You could really make a difference to someone out there, struggling with the same feelings of isolation and shame. Clean laundry happens to everyone. Even people you don't expect.

That could be really important.

SO important.

Do you think I should write a post about it?

Oh my gosh, yes. I mean, it's your call. Totally, your call. But I think... yeah, I think it could be a good one.

Okay. Okay. Okay, I'll just fold the laundry, and then I'll start a blog post.

Wow. Really? You think you can hold onto this idea for as long as it's going to take you to fold the laundry?

Wait, do you think I can't?

I mean, if anyone can it's you. OF COURSE. But John Donne said the difference between being able to write and not being able to write is... something... I can't quite remember, but the idea was definitely, like, don't fold laundry just write your thing.

John Donne said that?

YES. Maybe.

Maybe you're right. I feel the juices flowing.

Ew.

You know what I mean.

I do know what you mean.

Don't say it.

Because I AM YOU.

Oh for fuck's sake

Because YOU ARE IN THE PROCRASTINATRIX.


do not try to fold the laundry
that is impossible
instead, try to realize the truth
there is no laundry
then you'll see
that it is not the laundry that folds
it is only yourself

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