celebrities: they're just like us

Ryan hates this part of UsWeekly, the part where they publish pictures of Britney Spears pumping gas or The Bachelor texting. My attitude has always been: fish gotta swim, bird gotta fly, paps gettin paid until they die (at the hands of Tobey Maguire.)

I used to read Us Weekly religiously, which is to say on Sunday mornings, while reflecting on my values and my place in the world.

I haven't read Us Weekly in awhile, because a few things started to grate. All the diet fads, all the "wow she looks great now that she looks like everybody!" All the "we've found love," and then a month later "we ask for privacy." It's so much malarkey.

But the dealbreaker was pictures of celebrity children. It really bothers me. It's one thing to stalk and shoot adults who have chosen to live their lives in the public eye; it is completely another to be a grown-ass strange man, following a child walking to school, calling out her name to try to get a money shot. No wonder celebrity parents shroud their kids. Memo to paparazzi: when I can identify more with Michael Jackson's parenting choices than your professional ones, it's time to take a step back. If it were me, I'd start with the man in the mirror.

I heard Salma Hayek talk about being surrounded by a throng of photographers, jostled and pulled, while she was trying to hold her baby daughter in her arms.

That sounds like a fucking nightmare.

And then she gets painted with the "nervous new mom freaks out!" brush.


PS, how much do you love Salma's face? Girl has no face filter.


it's funny
because I'm not pregnant
but I have been
and I remember.

Let's be friends.


can we just talk about how I had this picture of Salma's face
I think we can all agree
is priceless
It's like she's melting the photographer's eyes
and also
for looking at her
out shopping with her 10-month-old baby.
But then I was like
I'm not comfortable sharing a picture of the baby's face either
And yet
I have no photo editing programs
not even paint
I figured out how to write something over the baby's face
And I went with
baby face.

Got your back, Salma.

Let's be friends.

Yanywhoo, I was thinking about celebrity babies today because I commented on a pic from Kim Kardashian's Facebook page. The picture in question is baby Saint's perfect little hand, holding toddler North's gorgeous little finger. And the caption was, "She said, 'he's my best friend.'"

I mean, COME ON YOU GUYS. I'm not made of stone. That is cute as balls. What, am I going to be like, "Kanye West talks out of his ass sometimes though!" What, am I going to just ignore the pure and beautiful moment that was just shared, from one mom to another, so I can be like, "who names their kid Saint?" 

Would I say that to a friend who just shared a pic of her new baby bonding with big sister? Would I be like, "Sarah that's adorable but your husband's breath smells like Taco Bell shits." Would I be like, "Wait, what's his name? Yikes." Would I be like, "That's cute but I hope you lose the baby weight fast because that floral print was NOT working for you last week."

Uhno. Because I am that mythical creature that the ancients call "Not a Dick."

So if I wouldn't say it to a friend, or even an enemy, why would I say it to a stranger? Because she'll probably never see it? Because I need to feel better than someone today, the day in which I found a cornflake of dandruff in my eyebrow? That's weak sauce, you guys. 

It doesn't matter if she'll never see it, because someone else will, and like the spastic but enthusiastic dancer at the wedding, I will have broken the seal and given everyone else permission to do their worst. Unlike the Macarena, that's not a craze I'd be proud to begin.

Yeah, that was me. You're welcome.

But back to Saint, North, Kim, and the sweetness of baby hands and mama joy.

Here's what I posted: "What a beautiful moment <3"

And before I hit "post," I was like... am I seriously commenting on Kim Kardashian's pic? Are my friends going to see this? Are they going to give me shit?

And then I POSTED IT anyway, because fuck those guys. That WAS a beautiful moment. And I'd say so to any parent, stranger or friend, enemy or celebrity. 

I mean it sincerely when I say that I believe all parents have to support each other, even if they don't agree with each other, even if we wouldn't name our kids North or Saint or Chicken or Buster. Even if they're famous, even if they'll never meet us, they're still on our team.

I am so sick of having a target on MY back when I go out in public with my kids, and I'm only like half as famous as Kimye.

Kim, Kanye, if you're reading this, I hope you know you can always call me for backup. There are like 3 places where our lives intersect, and the mad, delicious ride of parenting is one of them. Also pooping and hating Comcast. Some things are universal.

And Salma?

Let's be friends. 


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