how to sound like a human

the top ten hilarious/whaaaaa? things
that administrators have said to me
during a day care tour

1. We do not have books in the classroom, since books limit a child's imagination.

You're so right. I know I never imagined anything while reading! 
Now that I think about it, books are clearly the #1 destroyer of our children today. 
That's why Reading Rainbow is brilliant. 
So brilliant... 
... LY EVIL.

Also, you know all those studies about how being read to helps children with their language skills
and social skills
and empathy?
I'll believe it when you SHOW ME THE NUMBERS.
No, not those numbers.
Those numbers are far too conclusive to be convincing.
I need new numbers.
No, not those numbers either.
Those numbers just reinforce the findings of the first numbers.
I need numbers that are open to my truth.
Find those numbers please.
Find them in your imagination please.
You must have a good one
as you have clearly never read a book.

and then he was like
"this isn't a dog
it's jack
and the vacuum is the beanstalk
only instead of being a beanstalk
it's a vacuum
and jack has to go get his cow back
only the dinosaur
who is a giant
he says
i'm gonna eat that cow
and jack says
but i'm going to get my friend
dr. elasmosaurus
and his fixing tools"

and that's when i knew
we had to have another baby
clearly
this one
is ruined

thanks "books"


2. This is a peanut-free school, except for sandwiches.

Upon further discussion, it was established that peanut butter is fine, because "it is sticky."

No I think I read that somewhere about peanut allergies. Like, sticky counteracts the life-threatening anaphylaxis, like as long as the peanut is sticky and hard to clean off your skin, it's like fine though. I think I read it on the AAP site. Or Yahoo Answers. No, it was Yahoo.



3. We do not use contractions when we speak to the children. WE SPEAK VERY CLEARLY TO THEM.

Wait... are contractions a thing? 
Is that a thing to think about? 
Is that something I need to worry about? 
Are you fucking kidding me right now? 
oooooooooooh mmmyyyyyyyyy gooooooooood this suuuuuuuucks
(sigh) 
(mentally shelve your dreams of doing anything but googling 
"toddlers contractions long-term damage" this afternoon.)

Your dogma's a fucking bummer, dude.

Sorry.

I meant to say, YOUR DOGMA IS A FUCKING BUMMER.

DUDE.


4. You don't want a fully-licensed program, right? I mean, that's just so structured. And you seem really cool and laid-back. I don't think you'd like it.

Wow! I am not communicating properly! Also, I should not wear these moccasins anymore!


5. There is no sugar in this school; that is one of our core values.

Uh yeah! 
Me too! 
It's like, "empathy" and "charity" and like "self-respect," you know, like pshhhhhhh. 
SUGAR. That's a value. 
Or like, NO sugar. 
Not even 
bananas.


wait what
who gave buster that raisin toast
with peanut butter
oh my god
raisins are
a violation of our core values

also books


6. So here is the bathroom, as you can see there are sinks... one, two, three sinks.

Yes! Three sinks! That is true! And how old are you, Deborah? Wow! Forty-seven! I thought for sure you were going to say just four. Or seven. But like an old seven. Like Benjamin Button.



7. It's very important that we teach children self-respect, so each child has the opportunity to use the mirror of affirmation each day.

Oh please, please let's talk more about the mirror of affirmation. 
But wait, let me start recording first. 



8. We are an outdoor classroom in a public park. No, we don't have like a fence or anything, because we find that it's just not a problem. Like, running away isn't a thing the kids have done.

Also, not joking: "the maintenance guys and gardeners stop by all the time to visit with the kids and show them cool things they've found in the woods, like they'll tell us where they found a nest of turtles down by the creek and offer to show the kids, or they'll bring someone a special flower they found..."

Mom in the group: That's nice. And these guys who regularly stop by the classroom, they're background-checked too, right?

Teacher: Yes! I mean... (looks at the other teacher) They are, right? They are. I'm pretty sure they are. Like, I'd say I'm... (start to pick a percent, changes mind) wait, actually, let me find out.

Funny story, she did find out, and HAHA they are not background-checked. 


hi frank!

SO just to be clear, there are non-background-checked adult strangers who know where this school is, and this school has no security system, and these strangers are friendly with the teachers, and they bring presents to the kids, and offer to show them secret magic delightful baby animals in a remote location? 

Sign me up! Oh shoot, how long is the waiting list?



9. The kids are responsible for pouring their own tea at snack time.

That's cool. I like when a school teaches independence. 

Wait, like iced tea, right? 

Or... are you handing the toddlers a heavy pot full of boiling liquid to pour in their laps? Or... no, you know, it's probably fine. I'm just being a helicopter parent, you know, like all the worst ones. Just asking about safety and stuff. Ignore my moccasins. I'm not cool and laid-back.




10. We try to limit the adult presence in the school so parents are not permitted at the school during the day.

Also we try to limit the sunlight presence in the school so that's why there are blackout shades on the windows.

Also we try to limit escapes so that's why there are cages bolted to the floor.


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