parent season

Parent Season
Why I No Longer Follow, Read, Write For, or Share ScaryMommy Posts

Jeez, helicopter parents are ruining the world.
Why can't they just let their kids have experiences without trying to fix it all the time?
Look at them, hovering, micromanaging, rather than just letting the kid be a kid for gosh sakes.
Parents are the worst.

holding his hand
on the sidewalk
on a residential street
helicopter parent alert

Jeez, permissive parents are ruining the world.
Why can't they just take their kids out of the restaurant/store/airplane whenever they pitch a fit?
Look at them, waiting calmly, letting the kid scream and kick and just do whatever he wants.
Parents are the worst.

by all means
let your pint-sized savage
just tear around my bookstore
this isn't a business or anything
let him run
actually, could he damage some property too
i have an insurance claim i'd like to inflate
real quick


Jeez, organic parents are ruining the world.
Seriously, they're gonna spend how much on biodegradable diapers?
They're rubbing it our faces, that they have sooo much money that they can literally shit on it.
Why don't they donate that money to, like, charity?
Like, mild winters and multiple insect infestations have significantly affected the spruce-fir forest habitat of Arizona's Pinaleno Mountains— the only place the endangered Mount Graham red squirrel occurs
Parents are the worst.

Jeez, socially irresponsible parents are ruining the world.
Seriously, they're gonna fill up their own personal landfill with human excrement?
What, to save a few bucks on diapers?
Look at them, just slapping a Pampers on that crap-machine, no thought for the otters.
No thought for the Mount Graham red squirrel who's going to be picking corn kernels out of there in a week.
Parents are the worst.


Jeez, tiger moms are ruining the world.
Honestly, could you chill the fuck out?
Look at them, pushing their kids to achieve, with their "dangerous perfectionism" and "bilingual nannies who went to Harvard," and nothing but deadlines and Suzuki training and second place is the first loser and "oh you got a 98% on your geometry test? How does it feel to know that you failed so close to perfection? You'll never get into Harvard on this kind of lazy execution."
Joy-sucking Republicans, the lot of them.
Parents are the worst.

do you think you're playing buster
you're not playing
you are inventing

Jeez, hippie moms are ruining the world.
Honestly, could you please give a fuck?
Look at them, pushing their kids into outdoor classrooms with their "experiential learning" and "child-led curriculum" and no due dates and no expectations and no competition and no fucking hard knocks and "oh I guess 2+2 could equal cheese... no, that's not wrong. It's just different. What a special snowflake you are!"
Flaming liberal middle-achievers, the lot of them.
Parents are the worst.


Jeez, you named your kid John?
WOW. Way to think outside the box.
That won't be annoying when he's the sixth John in a class of nine students.

Jeez, you named your kid Jonn?
WOW. You just had to spell it different, huh.
That won't be annoying to spell over the phone for the rest of his life.

Jeez, you named your kid Jom?
Just wow.

Parents are the worst.


Jeez, defensive parents are ruining the world.
It's like, seriously,
nobody is being mean to you.
Nobody is judging you
just on your appearance
and your child's behavior
and your judgment when you respond to your child's behavior
and your character as interpreted by your judgment
and your child's character.
Just that.

Why do you take everything so personally?

It seems like you want everybody to think of your work as a "real job"
but then when strangers in public places give you
really constructive criticism
because they care
you totally blow them off
or tell them to mind their own business
or cry
all of that is so unprofessional.

All you have to do is just
be better at parenting
and when your kid
pitches a fit in the grocery store
for example
just do the right thing,
all the right things
that each person around you silently demands of you

1. get the kid out of there
2. wait patiently until he's done
3. buy the damn pop-tarts
4. firmly and kindly refuse to buy the pop-tarts
5. smack your kid so he knows who's boss
6. give your kid a kiss so he knows you love him no matter what

I don't know what is so hard about just
parenting right.

It seems to me that when you do things differently
from the way I was raised
or the way I nannied
or the way my friend parents
or the way I myself parent
it's because
you're probably
don't give a shit.
And it's my job
to correct that.
Or rather
correct you.

Which is why I'm here
on the internet
telling you why you're wrong.

It's not because I'm sad about something in my life
that I cannot fix.

It's not because my own child is a mystery to me
and I need to feel
like I know something.

It's not because I just read a Scary Mommy post
"Here's why I Will Never Allow My Children To Have Snacks,"
and there were 12,000 shares
and a comment board full of "Amen, Sister!"
and "Moms who give their kids snacks should be shot
and have their kids removed
and given to loving
snack-free homes,"
and then I looked over at the table where my kids were eating
apple slices
and graham crackers
at 2:30 pm

It's not because I then thought,
it took me 4 minutes to meet 12,000 people 
who think
I'm terrible.

It's not because there's a small part of me
that believes their thundering capitalized voices.

It's not because I love my kids so much
and I can't help but wonder how could I possibly be so wrong
about everything
if all I want is to do this right?

That's not why I'm being mean to you,

I'm telling you you're wrong
because you are
like me
and it felt right
at the time.

But now that I think about it,
parents are the worst.


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