5 people i would rather be than me right now

As I write this, Chicken is in his bedroom, whining and wailing for Mommy. He spent the morning in the kitchen, whining and wailing for Mommy. He spent the afternoon in the play room, whining and wailing for Mommy.

mostly about this
fucking
balloon on a stick
that i have dubbed
the impulse buy
that keeps on costing

what could be the problem
with such an innocuous
seasonally-appropriate item
you ask?

Mommy its eyes are too big
Mommy its whiskers won't stay up
Mommy it's not straight on the stick
But the stick is too bent*
But the stick is too pokey**
But the stick is too long***

*that's
**what
***she said


So I decided to move the shit show to the bedroom, in the hopes that I could finish preparing the from-scratch* chicken pot pie that, in a moment in which I forgot WHO I AM and WHAT MY LIFE IS, I thought I could totally make for dinner tonight.

*yes, I made pie crust from scratch
** no, I don't have a food processor
*** yes, it took forever, and my forearms are burning
**** that's what she said.

Brady is sucking toothpaste out of the tube like it's a strawberry-and-plaster smoothie.

also
he's helping


Plus I've got this pie to make.
So I don't have time to write a long blog post which is probably better because, like so many amateur stand-up comics, I'm 4% funny and 96% whiny.

But I did just want to take a moment to tell you 5 people who I would rather be, right now:

1. Donald Trump's wife. That's why God made scotch and long-term spousal poisoning with simple household chemicals.

2. Donald Trump's side piece. That's why God made scotch and compartmentalization.

3. Donald Trump's bikini waxer, even if today is the first time he's been in since last fall.

4. Donald Trump's Mexican housekeeper, even if today is the day that she must present herself to the Donald for her weekly, mandatory speech of gratitide and wonder for everything he is and everything he has done - not just for her, but for her people.

5. Donald Trump's mom. At least she gave up on her kid long ago... I've still got to raise mine right.

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