pop quiz hot shot

POP QUIZ HOT SHOT

your 20-month-old climbs out of his crib three times in three days
WHAT DO YOU DO
well
after you order a toddler bed from amazon that can be delivered same-day
after that
WHAT DO YOU DO



1. What's more fun than putting together a toddler bed?

A: Putting together a toddler bed that was made in China.

and delivered
in a pizza box

great

this should be pretty straightforward
wait
is this just a box of screws and wood pulp
again
goddamnit amazon

2. What's more fun than putting together a toddler bed that was made in China?

A: Putting together a toddler bed that was made in China with the only Phillips-head screwdriver that you can find in the house, which may have originally been intended for sunglasses.


texted this pic to ryan at work
to make sure he understood
the gravity of the situation
and that i would not be doing the dishes tonight
or tomorrow



3. What's more fun than putting together a toddler bed that was made in China with the only Phillips-head screwdriver that you can find in the house, which may have originally been intended for sunglasses?

A: Putting together a toddler bed that was made in China with the only Phillips-head screwdriver that you can find in the house, which may have originally been intended for sunglasses, while fishing screws out of a 20-month-old's mouth.

but mom
i thought it was
a tasting menu

hmmm
the black ones are
brackish



4. What's more fun than putting together a toddler bed that was made in China with the only Phillips-head screwdriver that you can find in the house, which may have originally been intended for sunglasses, while fishing screws out of a 20-month-old's mouth?

A: Putting together a toddler bed that was made in China with the only Phillips-head screwdriver that you can find in the house, which may have originally been intended for sunglasses, while fishing screws out of a 20-month-old's mouth and listening to a 3-year-old ask, "Why is this wood? Why, Mommy? Mommy? Why? Why is it wood? Mommy, why is it wood? Mommy? Why? Why? Why? Why?"



5. What's more fun than putting together a toddler bed that was made in China with the only Phillips-head screwdriver that you can find in the house, which may have originally been intended for sunglasses, while fishing screws out of a 20-month-old's mouth and listening to a 3-year-old ask, "Why is this wood? Why, Mommy? Mommy? Why? Why is it wood? Mommy, why is it wood? Mommy? Why? Why? Why? Why?"

A: Anything. Anything you can imagine. Seppuku. Tunnel duty in 'Nam. Queefing in yoga class. ANYTHING.

yeah
i am

and yes
i would love a glass
of electric cabernet
thank you

oh man
you guys were so
so helpful
you deserve to watch a tv show now
a long one
a movie
no
TWO MOVIES

in the other room
while i just finish up the last little bit
no no
i've got it from here
thanks though

(this, by the way, is another thing that my children don't know i do for them:
create jobs like
"checking the space between the slats"
and "counting the screws"
so they feel
like they have contributed.)

Extra Credit: What's the punch line?

a: he sleeps in chicken's bed

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