cooking with buster: spa water

So you've decided to make your own Spa Water! 

Let me be the first to welcome you to the exciting world of possibilities that is Spa Water.

Now, you might be wondering... what the fuck is Spa Water?

Well, Spa Water is water that's been tarted up with any number of accoutrements - mint leaves, cucumber shavings, raspberries frozen in raspberry juice ice cubes that definitely do not look like diseased lumpy nipple ice cubes get your mind out of the gutter people, apple slices carved in the symbol of Prince may he rest in peace, orange zest, lemon mist, lime spirit, grapefruit aura, clementine chutzpah, tangelo piquancy, or watermelon longing.

Today we'll be covering the steps of how to make a Classic Buster Spa Water, but once you've learned the procedure you can customise the ingredients to your palate.

Prep Time: Yours? None. Your Mom will need to spend half an hour preparing a hot lunch of chicken nuggets, oven fries, yogurt with berries, and a cool, refreshing cup of water.

Cook Time: I don't really know because I'm 2. Felt pretty quick though. Like a squirrel. Squirrel quick.

Step 1:

Your mother will give you a cup with a lid on it. You must remove the lid. If you lack the finger strength and/or coordination to remove the lid, you must convince your mother to do it for you.

I recommend eyelashes.

if eyelashes don't work
there's always
everything else 2-year-olds do
to get shit done their way

Step 2:

Great! You've gotten the lid off of your water cup. Now the fun can begin! 

You'll need to plunge your entire hand into the cup of water to check its temperature, and also to begin the seasoning process. One of the best parts of Buster's Classic Spa Water is that every time it's different, based on what was underneath my fingernails when I first stuck my hand in the cup! Went to the beach that morning? Grit and cigarette ash! Spent the morning in? Earwax and carpet mites! Every day is an adventure!

oh come on
don't be shy
get the whole crusty mitt in there

is that a hangnail
see if you can shake that puppy loose

Step 3:

Pre-seasoning complete, it's time for active agitation. Take a spoonful of ketchup from your plate of chicken and waffle fries. Stir it into the water. Say, "stir, stir, stir." You want to stir until the clumps of ketchup have all dissolved so the water is a faint pinkish color, like the water that drips onto the paper towel under a thawing chicken breast.

Step 4:

Allow the ketchup water to rest.

Marinate your chicken nuggets in the cup of organic, no-sugar-added applesauce that cost $9. Thanks, Mom! Definitely not gonna eat that at all! But it is GREAT for dipping nuggets for my Spa Water!

If it sounds good to you (and when wouldn't it sound good to you) add a tower of ketchup-soaked waffle fries atop the nuggets marinating in the costly apple puree. Not only will it mash the nuggets into the apple with more vigor, but it's also kind of like Jenga! Except with ketchup! 

oh i hope it falls soon
so i can lick ketchup spatter

Step 5:

To finish your Spa Water, plop one applesauce-marinated chicken nugget into the toddler hand and ketchup seasoned cup of water.

Please make sure to include a couple of pieces of... is that potato? Or ketchup globs? Whatever. You remember what Oscar Wilde said? "The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible."

Serve immediately. If she loves you, she will drink it.

do not be fooled
she might bring the cup to her lips
and make a slurping sound
if she doesn't vomit
she didn't drink it

it's spa water okay
that's the deal


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