If you are a parent, you are Gandalf.

I'm dead serious right now. 
I'm as serious as a balrog in the Mines of Morier, y'all. 

Let me say it again.

If you are a parent, YOU ARE GANDALF.

Don't believe me?

Exhibit A:

You say, "Don't throw sand."
He picks up a handful of sand.


You say, "Chicken."
He drops the sand.
But, like, with some air.
Definitely a whiff of softball pitch in that drop.


He smiles. He says, "But I didn't throw it."


Exhibit B:


did I leave the glitter glue on the table?

Exhibit C:

Your kid finds an unopened box of raisins.

You find an empty box of raisins.

Exhibit D:

10 minutes into naptime. 
You child says, "I'm thirsty."

Exhibit E:

Your kid is climbing the slide.
You say, "dude, what did I tell you,
don't climb the slide, someone is going to hit you."

Another kid goes boots-first down the slide,
clocking your kid like a ten-pin.
He goes off the slide and gets a mouth full of wood chips.

The other kid's dad,
(we'll call him Thorin Oakenshield)
comes over to apologize.

Exhibit F:

You're cleaning up the play room at the end of the day
and you see a piece of chocolate on the floor...


Exhibit G:

You dropped a glass on the kitchen floor.
Kid tries to grab a string cheese.

Exhibit H:

When your kid's at the art museum, trips on someone's handbag,

says "HOLY FUCK!"
and he looks too much like you
for you to just walk away.

Exhibit I:

When your friend's Aunt Diane
who never had kids
is like
"well seems to me that y'all just have to set boundaries, 
I don't see what's so hard about that."

Exhibit J:

Pizza night.

Exhibit K:

You're looking for a babysitter like

(could also be used for when you text a friend
to bring over more wipes and pedialyte 
because everyone at your house has norovirus)

 Exhibit L:

When you tell your kid
that you made
broccoli soup for dinner.

Exhibit M:

Your drug of choice is:

If you could have it on loop forever
just like this gif
that would be fine.

Exhibit N:

"I may not have any children
but I have three very spunky corgis,
and let me tell you what always works
when they're feelin uppity..."


Post a Comment