ten things you must do before hosting a toddler birthday party in your home

This month I'm writing daily Flash posts - 300 words or less.

- Fill a bucket of soapy water and walk from room to room scrubbing oatmeal handprints, marker slashes, and foreboding, unidentified brownish spatter from every wall, door, and cabinet in your home.

- Stuff a pinata. Respect people who buy pre-stuffed pinatas. Realize that your pinata is only half-full. Examine contents of pantry. Add oatmeal packets.

- Relandscape your yard to make it a bonafide kidgasm. Spend no less than 5 hundy. Eradicate all sticks and rocks from the yard. You've seen what they do with sticks and rocks.

- Invite 155. Life is short and you have a yard! This is late June, people. It will obviously be sunny. The children shall frolic in the stickless rockless yard, picnicking with juice boxes in fragrant, freshly-spread wood chips, dappled sunlight shimmering in their hair as they marvel at the Fairy Garden's edible marigolds, the Construction Zone, the tub table's velvety sand.

- Check the forecast. Rain.

- Panic.

- Harness panic into ninja focus.

- Make use of every inch of your home. Add seating in the bathroom. Coat closet? COZY READING NOOK. Adult bedroom? CAFE TIGER.

that's an adult bedroom
slash a tiger cafe

- Buy more beer, band-aids, sticker books, temporary tattoos, bubbles, and balls. BALLS. Balls are always the answer. To so many questions.

- Fill, then hide laundry baskets of unsightly crap. Hide them anywhere. This is challenging because all your regular hiding places are now reading nooks and Cafe Tiger. Discover new depths of resourcefulness. You may never find the laundry baskets of crap, that's how well you must hide them. Check under the eaves. If bats nest there you must slaughter them. Their poop is super bad for you and you need their spot to make sure your home is clean, comfortable, and unsightly-crap-free.

Word count: 300


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