my latest trip to ikea

Chicken's birthday party was two days away.

Had the juice boxes.
Had the tiger streamers.
Had the favors.

One problem.

Where were 25 children ages 2-5 going eat pizza and cupcakes?

I had singular focus walking into IKEA.

I chanted it like a mantra, bouncing Buster up and down in the Ergo as we descended deeper and deeper into the churning bowels of IKEA.

where will the kids eat
where will the kids eat
where will the kids eat

Luckily, I'd had four cups of coffee (talk about churning bowels!) so my judgment was on point and also I could whip my head around so fast that it was like I had a 360-degree field of vision, even if I was having a hard time finishing a

Oh I know! 
I'll build a long kids' table out of a vintage door! 
That will be fucking amazi--
I'll get the door from one of those re-home supply stores
so all I need here are some legs and--
LOOK SCONCES!

List:
- table legs
- brackets and screws
- sconces!!!

Stay focused Katie. NO SCONCES. Think of the children.

Legs.

Legs legs legs... looking for legs... where are the...

Oh wow, is that kid table and chair set really only $25? 

I'll just buy 2-4 of these cheap IKEA kid tables and some cute decals to fancy them up. 

We don't have that much time to build an awesome vintage door table so... 
or maybe I'll just write down the bin number and keep these in mind, 
and keep looking for the legs for the awesome vintage door table 
because MANIFEST DESTINY!
OOH LOOK COASTERS!

List:
- table legs
- brackets and screws
- cheap IKEA kid tables
- cute decals
- coasters!!!!!!

NO KATIE. NO COASTERS. 
Gosh, but what are we going to do with 2-4 cheap IKEA kid tables after the party? 
That seems so wasteful. 
Maybe I'll just buy a cool outdoor rug and a bunch of pillows and we can do this thing picnic-style! 
That is the best idea! 
I'll have to go to the outdoor rugs and see if they have a good one that doesn't feel like it's made out of saran wrap. PLAN C, here we come!

In the meantime, I'll just keep an eye out for 
the Plan A Awesome Vintage Door Table legs and brackets and screws
and those decals for the Plan B Cheapy Decal Tables...
LOOK NORDRANA HANGING STORAGE!

List:
- table legs
- brackets and screws
- cheap IKEA kid tables
- decals
- outdoor rug
- outdoor pillows
- nordrana hanging storage!!!!!!!!!!!!

I resisted the siren song of the nordrana hanging storage even though it was seriously like the perfect color for our hall bath.

The outdoor rugs were actually made of saran wrap. OK, so Plan C was out.

Back to Plan A - Awesome Vintage Door Table? Nope. Scratch Plan A. In the forty minutes I'd been inside IKEA I came to realize there was no fucking way I would have enough time to build my own table before the party. (#churningbowels)

Back to Plan B - Cheap Kid Tables with decals. Not my favorite. But done is better than perfect. Says so right on my lower back tat. I put three tables in my cart and headed for checkout.

But as I left the aisle I saw these big table tops, slabs of particle board for only... 8 bucks? WHAAAAT! Suddenly my $25 table and chair set seemed like a boondoggle.

25 whole dollars? And for what? A chintzy bit of wobbly carpentry that isn't even set at right angles anyway?

These pieces of wood were bigger (check!) and heavier (check!) and cheaper (CHEEEEECK!).
I'd have been a fool to pass up this once-in-a-lifetime bargain!
I mean, who spends MORE money on a SMALLER table?
I'll tell ya who. Mid-century modern aficionados, that's who.
And EAST COAST ELITIST INTELLECTUALS.
Ugh.
The worst.

OK, so Plan A? OUT. Plan B? OUT. Plan C? OUT.

I went with Plan D, which was build two awesome DIY tables out of these amazing $8 table tops PLUS awesome decals plus really cool table legs!

Atta girl, Katie.

That's how a boss bitch hacks IKEA. YEAH. WHAT.

I should have been riding high, but as I walked out to the car, I felt as though something were nibbling around the corners of my mind.

It was only after unloading the party napkins, the awesome decals, the easel paper, and my two $8 particle board table tops that I realized what missing.

I turned around and looked back at IKEA, gargantuan and fathomless, looming out of the mist like the Cave of Wonders.


EKBY JÄRPEN!!!!!!!!!!
that's swedish for
birch veneer shelf
and
behold my churning bowels
depending
you know
on context


And like Gazeem, the throat-slitting thief whose early bloodless death establishes Jafar's villany and the mortal peril of the mission to get the lamp, I made this face:

you idiot
you forgot the LEGS
the LEGS KATIE
the part of the table that makes it a table
and not just
the floor
But unlike Gazeem, I turned around went the fuck home.

I'm not even tryin' to be the Diamond in the Rough y'all. I'm good.

I ordered some legs on Amazon. Done is better than perfect. Check my back tat. For real.

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