The KatyKatiKate Guide to
HAVING A POTTY TRAINED CHILD
THIS TOTALLY WORKS!!!
Go to the grocery store and hang out around the bathroom until a potty-trained child comes out. Shouldn't take more than an hour.
Take the child home. Rename it something awesome like Crash or Billabong. Show it where the bathroom is.
You have a potty trained child
in under one hour!!!!!!!!!!
:) :) :) :) :)
:) :) :) :) :)
If you follow this advice to the letter you will have a potty trained child in under one hour or your money back and it is also very likely that you will go to federal prison for kidnapping in which case money back guarantee is voided and also you deserve everything you're going to get in there ya big dumb turd knocker.
Who reads a blog and then goes to the store to kidnap a child just to get out of potty training? I'll tell ya who, a TURD KNOCKER. I know - potty training sucks and you'll end up carrying pee-soaked shorts wrapped in paper towels around the zoo for a whole day at some point, and you might even find yourself pulling on your rubber gloves and saying something like "DAMMIT Chicken, pee is not a WEAPON." But is it worth the shortcut to devastate a family and totally wreck Billabong's sense of self?
Like one day in 5 years Billabong is gonna be like "listen Mom this might sound crazy but I'm pretty sure my name used to be Oliver and now I drink to stop the dreams plus I was drinking milk in the lunch room and I saw this face on the carton and I was like woah that kid Oliver looks just like me, like I even have that shirt."
And you'll have to be like "lots of kids have that shirt because BB-8 was really popular when you were a baby" and then Billabong will be like "was I a cute baby?" And you'll be like "how the fuck should I know?" And he'll be like, "what?" And you'll be like, "wait, what?" And he'll be like, "uh... nothing."
And then like a month later he'll be like, "I was drinking milk again," and you'll be like, "CUT THAT SHIT OUT," and he'll be like, "yeah but the face on the milk carton has the same color eyes as me" and you'll be like "big whoop Billabong you have brown eyes. COME ON you and everyone else at the taco truck."
And then he'll be like "plus we both have an identical purple birthmark in the shape of a French flag right between the eyes" and you'll be like "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wanna go to Target?" And he'll be like, "uh can I get some Transformers?" And you'll be like, "of course kiddo! Because you are my son." And he'll be like, "Mama, why am I afraid to pee at grocery stores?" And you'll be like, "shhhhhhhhhhh punkin. Drink this."