me time

so good for you
so good for your skin
so good for your energy
so good for your

I tried "staying hydrated" for about a week, but I had to stop.

I simply could not deal with the consequences of drinking water.

I have a list of things that demand my attention every hour, and gosh, bladder, I'm sorry to say that we don't have any slots available for you at this time.

Until 45 gets booted, a cloaked sorceress bewitches my dishes to watch themselves, or one of the kids learns how to match socks and/or not hit people, you're going to have to take a number, good sir pee bag.

The problem with peeing is that it must be batched in a timely fashion. Peeing is not like folding laundry or reading the book club book, activities that you can kind of save up until you've got a good hour to settle in with them. If I could store up all my pee and just tap the tank for a solid 15 minutes at the end of the day I would hydrate like a motherfucker.

No, when you're hydrated you have to stop what you're doing... to go pee... ALL. THE. TIME.

If peeing this much is healthy, then just call me Nicolas Cage from Leaving Las Vegas.

For a person whose shower habits are "one time, for 45 minutes, every 7-10 days," I discovered that it is not possible to build the time into my schedule to pee, like, eleven times a day.

How are people doing this?

Do your children not throw open stall doors in public restrooms right when you stand to pull up your pants,  at the exact moment that someone else has opened the bathroom door which is conveniently placed directly in front of your stall door which is also now open so the guy buying four cases of Bud Light, a tub of Kroger brand petroleum jelly, and a Hungry Man gets a bonus full-frontal at the exact moment your vagina is no longer blocked from view by your kneecaps?

Do your children not regress to crawling on the floor in public restrooms despite having mastered the technical process of "walking on feet that are covered in shoes so as to prevent invisible pee particles of thousands of strangers from collecting in the finger creases on the hands you will shortly be rubbing all over my face" LITERALLY YEARS AGO?

When at home do your children not play calmly and lovingly together until you get up to pee, and then immediately peel their faces back to reveal the gray slime-covered alien tooth-monsters that lurk beneath their petal-pink skin, just waiting for the chance to strike?

I mean, you're reading words typed by a girl who has actually peed on her own hand wiping too early, because I HAD TO GET BACK OUT THERE. Not just once. A BUNCH of times.

Are my kids the only ones who do this???

(Side note: Should I start a parenting class called, "Don't worry: Your kids (probably) aren't the only ones who do this"?)

Anywho, that's why I cry salt crystals and pee bouillon cubes.


Gossip Girl

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