premature recommendation

We schmoozed our faces off at this last house we went to look at and were the only couple to get a hug from the landlady after we listened to her talk about her aunt's remodel in Arizona for 15 minutes with the same rapturous expressions you usually see on a baby's face the first time that cochlear implant turns on and he hears his mother's voice singing "You are my Sunshine" for the first time in his little baby life.

And then she said something about Seattle drivers and Ryan and I were both like:

A HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA
HA
(wipes tears)
HA HA HA HA
HA
I FEEL LIKE A KID
N A POOL
WITH A GIANT INFLATABLE DONUT
THAT'S HOW HAPPY I AM
ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID
HA HA HA HA
OH GOD
MY CHEEKS HURT


We fist-bumped as we walked to the car. We nailed it. Right?

---

The next morning, only a few hours after we filled out the online credit check information, we got an email - they gave the house to someone else.

At first I was terrified - but our credit is excellent... RIGHT???

Paranoia took over.

What if someone stole my identity? What if that credit card that I haven't charged anything on in 2 years was stolen and someone in Cleveland maxed it out on Cavs tickets and Walmart tires? DAMMIT that would suck... Walmart is so unethical... 

I checked all of our bank accounts. Everything was in order. Excellent credit secure.

Soooo wha happened?

I emailed the landlady asking if she would mind sharing why she went with the other family, framing it up like, "Oh it would be helpful for us moving forward in our search if we knew what made the difference on your side of the exchange."

She responded, "They supplied letters of recommendation from their current and past landlords."

---

OKAY SO, pause for a second, let me just tell you where we were in the process. We were at "Preliminary Screening."

They had just asked to do a CREDIT CHECK. They asked for our EMAIL ADDRESSES. That was where we were. One step past "hello."

Bringing letters of recommendation to a preliminary screening is like bringing an engagement ring to a Tinder date. SLOW YOUR ROLL, FREDERICK. JESUS.

And don't get it twisted - I coulda BROUGHT some letters of recommendation. And those letters would've recommended their fucking faces AND pants off. But I did not do that. Out of respect.

If anything, I think the fact that I demonstrated my ability to follow the fucking directions and work on their timeline makes me a WAY better prospect for this landlord-tenant relationship.

Imagine the next time the landlord's like "Hey, can you change the filter on the fridge door water?" And these tenants are like "Yes, we can do that but also we built a 10-foot-wide, 30-foot-deep WELL in the backyard where those old-growth trees used to be! You know us, always thinking ahead! You're welcome! PS we had to cut out those buried cables to fill the well and now the neighbors are saying their electricity is out?"

"ours isn't working either.
the fridge is starting to smell.
and i think the yogurts are talking.
we should put a stop to that right away
we don't want them
organizing."

Or like, "Hey, can you test the smoke alarms?" And these tenants are like, "WE DID!!! They are definitely working but there are some stubborn soot stains on the floor in the kitchen and also the house burned down. We sought shelter in the well once the curtains went up. Great news too - your topsoil has been SUPER well-fertilized with ash. YOU'RE WELCOME!!! PS can you please write us a letter of recommendation for our next house? I'd like to text it to this guy who's showing his house on Craigslist."

Does that sound like the kind of person you'd want to rent your house to?

No. No, it does not.

What the fuck, Frederick.

Just follow the fucking directions and don't improvise.

That was MY position anyway - be charming, courteous, and follow the directions meticulously.

But then these JACKALS showed up with LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATION like WAY too early in the process (like, brown-spirits-with breakfast-early)(frankly I find that shit suspicious)(what's your hurry frederick)(what are you hiding from in that bottle)...

and the thing that really sticks in my craw...

the thing that puts a hitch in my giddy-up...

the thing that dills my pickle...

is that I DIDN'T THINK TO DO IT FIRST.

---

Oh so that's how we're playing it, Seattle Housing Market?

Alright.

That's how you wanna play, that's how we'll play.

Y'ALL DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU JUST STARTED.

But you'll see...

YOU WILL SEE.

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