moving a family of 4

WE JUST MOVED.

Want to know how it's going?


On a scale from "Standard Shitstorm" to "Category 5 Shitnado," we're hovering right around "Shitquake of the Century."


No, it's not because we have to learn a new grocery store.


It's because of our fundamental personalities. 


Don't believe me?



FAMILY ROSTER:

THE MOVING EDITION

(Do me a favor

and pretend that the soundtrack to this whole post 
is the rapid-fire beeping sound you hear 
when you watch the name of a city 
spelled out on the screen of a Bourne movie.)



KATIE

Age

32.75


Role in Family

Mother
Blogger
Jumpsuit Savant


Immediate Response to Impending Move

Mind snaps into lockdown mode.


She bolts to the nearest writing instrument and begins making lists, charts, tabulating priorities, booking appointments with mental health professionals, and ordering the required supplies on Amazon.



Moving Day Spirit Animal


Hippogriff

did someone order
a triple shot
of goddamn majesty?

With the head of an eagle, she soars high above the fray, seeing all, and constantly in motion.

With the ass of a giant horse, she drags a ton of shit around.


Emotional Stability Celebrity Doppelganger


Jennifer Garner

this is a human bouquet of daisies
in an elegant
unfussy
milk-glass vase

She seems nice, cheerful, capable, and organized.

But you just know that rainbow-covered planner is full of pages that look like the kid's drawing from the Ring scribbled so hard you can still see the dents on December. Also she’s always locking herself in the bathroom to eat a whole baguette while she poops. #Multitasking





Top 3 Needs That Must be Met in Order to Ensure Function Under Stress

1. Cake

2. Booze
3. 1 Hour of Solitary Silence Per Day 

Post-Move Breaking Point


Day 5.

When she realized that the dinner plates are ¼” too tall for the new dishwasher and she either had to buy new dinner plates or hand-wash dinner plates from now on.

IT SEEMS LIKE NOT A BIG DEAL BUT it’s just one more fucking thing that I didn’t have to fix before but now I have to fix. 

Excuse me I have to go to the bakery and then poop.




RYAN



Age


34.5


Role in Family

Father
Earner
Is-The-Milk-Still-Good-Checker


Immediate Response to Impending Move


Excitement for new possibilities! 

Begins to research hobbies and attractive locales convenient to new spot! 

Texts people we know nearby! Sure, he might feel uncomfortable with change, but that tiny seed of discomfort with newness is buried beneath an avalanche of curiosity, eagerness, and novelty...


FOR AWHILE.


Until that seed sprouts. Usually the week before the move, as he surveys the sheer magnitude of our crap we have to pack.  He spends that week in solitary reflection on how his life choices have led him to this place of despair.


Also, upset tummy.


Moving Day Spirit Animal


Saint Bernard


- Weight-bearing frame
- Dogged (lol) yet joyless determination to get the job done 
- Packs the booze
- Sad eyes
- Musty odor

Emotional Stability Celebrity Doppelganger


Jon Hamm



Funny, smart, confident, charms the room, has a coolness and magnetism that seems to transcend mere mortals.

Yet, ask the wrong question and you’ll find yourself plunging into eternal blackness. Just beneath the trim suits lies a stylish wasteland of mid-century despair.




Jesus, Ryan.


No but he can bring it back though!






Top 3 Needs That Must be Met in Order to Ensure Function Under Stress

1. Sleep

2. Poop
3. Something to call a win

Post-Move Breaking Point


Day 6.

When it became clear that Chicken and Buster would not be achieving sleep at anywhere near their expected age level. We are talking we put them in bed at 7:30 pm and they finally fall asleep at 10:30 pm, people. We are talking thrice-nightly nightmare wakings. Anyone would break.





CHICKEN


Age

4.75


Role in Family


Son
Big Brother
Chief Inquisitor of How TV Screens Work


Immediate Response to Impending Move


Outside/Inside:

Look at the pictures on Mommy's phone 
of the big new yard and the nice big play room! 
This is going to be so fun!


DO NOT THROW ANYTHING AWAY 
NOT EVEN APPLE CORES 
WE HAVE TO KEEP THE APPLE CORES

Can we get a swing set for the yard?


WHERE ARE YOU GOING
ARE YOU EVER COMING BACK

Can't wait to go fishing on the weekends with Daddy!



WILL I STILL BREATHE AIR THERE
OR
ARE WE GROWING GILLS

WILL I HAVE TO PHOTOSYNTHESIZE
OR ARE YOU GOING TO STILL BUY KIND BARS
Yeah, Mom?
Having a little trouble
falling asleep right now.
Just
you know
thinking.
About...
plants...
AAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAH


Moving Day Spirit Animal


Rabbit



Everything is fine 
everything is fine 
I just love hiding but everything is fine
OH GOD WHAT IS THAT 
oh okay it was a leaf 
haha 
that was embarra 
THERE IT IS AGAIN
I KICK YOU
I KICK YOU
RUN MOTHERFUCKERS


Emotional Stability Celebrity Doppelganger


Kanye West

Does not seem to be handling ANYTHING okay, EVER.

wait
that's not a jpeg
that's a gif
uh
kanye?
you ok?

And yet... is also kind of doing awesome??



awwwww

Or...?

wait


It just makes you look at his particular brand of berserkitude and wonder, "So... are you screaming inside, or just fucking with me right now?" 


And to go even deeper, his uniquely unsettling unpredictability makes you question your own relationship with reality, your ability to gauge the stability of others, and even your human instincts.



IS THIS THE WEATHER
OR A THREAT???
I DON'T EVEN KNOW


Top 3 Needs That Must be Met in Order to Ensure Function Under Stress

1. 13 Hours of Sleep

2. A Daily Schedule that DOES NOT CHANGE EVER
3. Boxer Briefs. Not Tighties. Bitch did I stutter?


Post-Move Breaking Point


Day 2. When we ran out of granola.

chicken picked this gif
so
again
i have to ask:
is this breakfast
or a threat
I DON'T EVEN KNOW


NO
Honey Bunches of Oats is not "basically the same as granola."
It's totally different
just like everything in this new house.
Do we still brush our teeth here
and does the mac still have cheese
WHO AM I
WHAT IS THAT
I KICK YOU
I KICK YOU
RUN MOTHERFUCKERS



BUSTER


Age

2.75


Role in Family

Son
Little Brother
Leftenant Grabber of Things from the Counter


Immediate Response to Impending Move


Probably best described as "surly denial" and/or "willful ignorance."

Us: We're moving in a week! Here's the countdown calendar! Every day you will cross off a day and get a special treat!


Chicken: GREAT! (Starts to tremble and rock in his seat)


Buster: (SIGH) I'm getting crackers.


(Walks into kitchen, grabs crackers from the counter, walks to the front door with crackers. Opens door.)


Unpacks just-packed boxes, allegedly "looking for something," but mostly just throws shit around until someone caves and brings him crackers and an iPad, which he receives without looking, and walks over to the pile of pillows in the corner and turns on Blaze and the Monster Machines.



Moving Day Spirit Animal


Old Male Lion



- Sleeps a lot

- Communicates in growls and nips
- Stomps around
- Eats everyone else's food

Emotional Stability Celebrity Doppelganger


Alec Baldwin



Charming, powerful, primal, and often hilarious. 

Gives no fucks and owns every room he walks into with a twinkle in his eye... and an empty place in his chest where someday he may grow a moral center. 


When you shake his hand you realize... that this hand... could do murder.

And maybe... just maybe... already has...

Also calls people poopy butt.



Top 3 Needs That Must be Met in Order to Ensure Function Under Stress

1. 13 Hours of Sleep

2. Pirate's Booty
3. Not to Be Moving

Breaking Point


Day 10.

When he realized this whole "In the Car for 2 Hours a Day" thing wasn't a one-off.


Got a really sweaty itchy butt from wearing diapers in the car so much.


Started stomping from room to room, calling teenagery things over his shoulder like, "I'm so over this," and "Shut up, just shut up," and "AAAAH YOU GUYS ARE SO STUPID."




___

So just in case y'all were wondering what's going on with us lately... 

that. 

That's what's going on. 

Love,

Ryan, Katie, Chicken, and Buster

PS - Here's our working Christmas card for next year! Thoughts?





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