10 things i say to preschoolers slash grown-ass men


hi there buddy
quick question
are you 3
or 33
because that will make
no difference whatsoever
in the things i have to say to you
over the course of a day


1. 
No, it's my turn to talk now.
I listened to you.
And you told a very nice story about your truck.
Now it's your turn to listen to me.
What I have to say is interesting and important too.

2. 
Mmmm... no thank you. 
I don't like body part nicknames. 

3. 
OH MY GOD STOP TALKING
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE 
JUST STOP JUST SHHHHHH
SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
FOR ONE SECOND
SWEET JESUS

4. 
I don't know where your shoe is. 
It's yours. 
Where did you put it?

5. 
You know what?
That's too close.
I need you off of my body.
I need space.

6. 
Wow!
When you hit and call me names
I can tell that you're sad.
Are you sad?
It's okay to be sad, but it's not okay to hit and call me names.
I'm not going to be around you while you're hurting me.
Maybe you'd better go be alone for a little while.

7. 
Whoops! Yep, those are my private body!
They are not for grabbing!
That makes me mad.

8. 
No, I'm not available for you right now.
Do you see me eating my lunch?
So I'm not available for you right now.
No, you can't eat my lunch. This is mine.
When I'm available I will come and get you.
Now go play.

9. 
Hey hey hey woah,
did you see there is a person in line here?
OK, well, 
you need to wait.
I know you're excited!
I can see that!
You still need to wait.
Just like everybody.

10. 
Yes, that is your penis!
I can see that your penis is just wonderful.
But it's also private.
You can do whatever you want with your penis
at home
alone
in your bedroom,
but here in the parking lot
you need to put it away.



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