when buster and binky broke up

... IT HAS BEEN A ROLLER-COASTER RIDE, PEOPLE.

Ryan is taking point on this one because he's half the parents here, no further explanation required.

So while I've been sitting at the computer hard at work, I've had a front-row seat to an old-timey radio show through the bedroom door. And let me tell you, it's a weird one.

hey bink?

do you have a sec?

i know it's almost bedtime
and that's usually your shift
but
just

step into my office for a moment
and don't

don't look at me
like that


Weaning my 3-year-old from his binky is like listening to a literal pirate ease off his methamphetamines.

When you're not looking I'm gonna kick you in the penis

And then I'm gonna bite your face like it's pizza

And then... (heavy breathing) and then... 

Are these doors locked?

I HATE THIS DINOSAUR STUFF IT IN THE GARBAGE

(Side note: the dinosaur is Bonky, the stuffy delivered by the Binky Fairy this morning to ease the transition out of daily binky use. The Internet claims that the Binky Fairy is a sure thing. The Internet is full of shit.

He liked the stuffy fine until he realized that he was meant to trade the binkies for it, and then he threw that poor triceratops overboard so fast he didn't even have time to croak, "I'll never let go Buster..." DAMN YOU THE INTERNET, this is the last time I'll let you lie to me!)

So yeah, weaning Buster off the bink is like listening a sea bandit crack his brain into a frying pan...

...

Until it's like listening to the belov'd baby Jesus Himself who has just received the news that the entire Paw Patrol is not only dead, but was never even alive in the first place. Yes, even Marshall.

Nooooooooooooooo

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

I miss them soooo muuuuuuch

...

Until it's like listening to a surly teenager slash playwriting savant who you've just had to ground because his performance art piece at the school talent show was an exploration of the question, "If school is a whorehouse who is the whore?"

UUUUUUUGH

Daaaaaaaaad

This is duuuuuuuumb

Just listen to my ideeeeeaaaaaa

...

Until it's like listening to that literal meth pirate who has discovered a hidden last stash in his pirate shoe lining.

Have you ever had apple cider with marshmallows and apple slices and cinnamon 
and have you ever tasted hot cocoa 
it's pretty hot when you try to drink it 
if you drink it it might be hot, anyway, 
I need to find my fluffy blanket where's my fluffy blanket, 
NOT THAT ONE THE FLUFFY ONE
the one I need my truck is so sleepy and Daddy, 
oh Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, let's go to the library tomorrow and play Curious George 
or maybe we could go right now 
Daddy have you ever had marshmallow and cocoa and hot apple cider 
because they're very very VERY yummy 
but if you drink it it might be hot
and

...

Until he's quiet.

at first i was like
great gif
she looks so relieved

but the more i watched it
the more i was like
woah lucy
get it girl

okay listen

don't even try to be blushy and blustery
it's okay if lucy is having
a nice time here
she works hard
she deserves it
and nobody's head exploded right
right?

besides
ain't nobody buying that two twin beds business
we all know where little ricky came from
in case you forgot
he
loves
lucy


...

Until it's like listening to every child with big eyes and a whispery sing-song voice in every horror movie of all time.

Dad
Dad are you awake





they're heeeeeere



So yeah, not a lot of sleep in the forecast over here tonight. 

If you're laughing at this, I'm happy for you. I'm happy for you so much that I want to tell you to just yuk it up, yuckles. Yuk it up all the way to the storm drain.

Oh, and...

sweet dreams

yuckles

see you at 4 am



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5 comments:

  1. NIGHT 2 UPDATE:

    "Tomorrow I'm going to take a train to Costco and get a slice of pepperoni pizza and then set Costco on fire."

    "I'm sick of pumpkins."

    "Tomorrow I'm going to hit Chicken. I love him so much."

    10:43 am, going strong on a 20-minute story about a pumpkin castle full of doors with cranks and dead shark families. Paused to inhale once.

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  2. How do I subscribe to your blog? To you? I knew you were talented after I read the Rosenberg post. Then, this. You're brilliant across the board.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kidding on how to subscribe. Done. Thank you for sharing your voice.

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  4. ps just went through this with one of my 3 year old twins. I foolishly bought that pacifier fairy book... when asked if he'd like a gift from the fairy, he said he was going to throw the pacifier fairy in the garbage... so... yeah, anyway, we're about 2 weeks paci free at this point. Everything you wrote is familiar. Hang in there.

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    Replies
    1. KorbinLA! GIVE ME HOPE. He went to sleep at midnight and woke up at 6 am. Gymnastics is going to be a shit show. He also told me that HE spoke to the Binky Fairy who told him that he can definitely just keep his binkies forever.

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