pro tip: louis fucking ck

Alright.

Okay.

Listen.

Guys.

Yeah, Louis CK went down. You might have been genuinely surprised, or you might be literally everyone else you know. This was always gonna happen.

nytimes


I get it. You're super freaked out.

It feels like nobody is safe. Everyone we used to agree seemed cool and nice is now a total fucking asshole.

Now it's like you can't talk about anything but zoo animals and integers at dinner, because if you mention you like Morgan Freeman... well... WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING.

I know. I'm with you. I'm eating cake for dinner, and it's not good cake. We're all having feelings.

And I'm a hippie earth mother type from Seattle and I want to honor all your feelings, but you should fucking see me typing right now because I am punching these keys like they're the buttons on a vending machine that has my Doritos dangling in mid-air, and I am talking to the computer in an ice-cold rage like straight-up UMA in Kill motherfucking Bill (slash straight-up UMA on the red carpet.)


and fucking kevin
and johnny
and louis
and jeffrey
and
fuck
i'm tired

We're all freaked out and I get that you're asking questions. You legit don't know the answers to these questions: why didn't these girls just leave? Have I ever had a questionable sexual encounter? Are all men monsters? How do I know if I'm an ass hole?

I do know the answers.

So I'm going to give you a present tonight.

I'm going to tell you what it's like to get fucked.

And I don't just mean penetrated.

I mean let me tell you what it's like to stand in a room watching a guy jerk off with nothing between you and the door but your own fear and shame.

Wheeee!

BUT SERIOUSLY, I'LL STOP WRITING THESE WHEN YOU STOP WHIPPING YOUR DICKS OUT AND BEATING PEOPLE'S DIGNITY TO DEATH WITH THEM, GUYS. I'M READY WHEN YOU ARE. WAS ALREADY THERE.

BEEN THERE. BEEN READY. WAITING ON YOU, CHAD.

NUMBER ONE, when you're getting fucked, it's not as simple as "just leave."

If you found yourself in a tiger habitat at the zoo, and the animal was looking at you from the corner, huge, and resting, do you think you'd just... leave? No, babe. No. Your brain doesn't let you "just leave" when you're in a room with a toothy beast, I don't care if there's a door or not.

Your brain isn't interested in your reputation. Your brain is interested in survival.

True story: Every woman you know has a facial expression she makes to her girlfriend to come get her out of the conversation. It's not subtle. You know exactly what it fucking looks like. But we need help to leave. And it's not because we're weak; it's because we know enough to be scared.

Please fucking note that I guarantee you these women wanted the fuck out of there, but women don't just think about getting out of the room:

Once I'm out, is there a hallway? Who's out there? Anyone? Friend? Enemy? Will they help if I ask for help, or just watch me ask? Is there an elevator I have to wait for? Where are the stairs? What will happen to me if he follows me into the stairwell? Will I get chased down by a guy who's now embarrassed and angry that I walked out on him? Will I get dragged back inside? What then?

Maybe I'll just smile and wait. He looks like he's getting close.

NUMBER TWO, yes, that's a threat.

I've heard a few variations on, But oh hey, wait, he's just a schlumpy guy! He's bald! He's funny! He's not a threat, come on.

According to Google, that motherfucker is 6 feet tall, and thick. He's a threat.

But even if he were 5 feet tall and toothless, that wouldn't change the fact that he's a threat because we live in a world in which men of all heights and levels of dental hygiene hurt us all the fucking time.

True story: A smiling man held my hand and tried to walk me out the back door of his store when I was 11. He was my size, small for a man.

True story: I was followed to my front door by a cab driver who took me home in college. He was short and fat and I could have outrun him.

True story: I once collected a drunk-unconscious girl from a guy who claimed she was his girlfriend but stammered when I asked him what her name was. He was skinny and jittery and halfway out the door of the bar with her.

If every time that you saw a McDonald's commercial, you had a 50-50 chance of getting punted in the gnads, you'd flinch every fucking time you saw the golden arches.

Everyone starts as a threat. Including a schlub that you think of as harmless.

NUMBER THREE, we know what to do when we're getting fucked.

And it's not run out the door screaming for help. It's not throw down our handbags and start throwing punches.

What do women do when we're afraid? What do we do when faced with sexual aggression or dangerous hostility?

We smile. We laugh. We soothe and compromise and de-escalate. We gray out and don't think about anything until it's over. That ability to please is our biggest shield, guys. Start looking for it the next time you're at a bar.

I know! Getting fucked is super fun.

But experience has taught us that we can survive with a little less dignity, and survival is not a given. You don't need to convince me that my pride isn't worth my life.

True story: I once laughed and smiled while being walked home at night by a man I had never seen before. He insisted on walking me and I turned toward the fire station and smiled, and laughed, and he finally let me go, but not before demanding a "toll," which was a light spank on my ass.

True story: Nope, I can't tell this one.

We know what to fucking do when we're trapped, or rather, our brains that want us to survive know how to operate our limbs and facial expressions when we're trapped. And your prickly advice about what we should have done can be deposited, dry and thorny, directly into your own asshole.

We're still fucking here, aren't we. We did just fucking fine, thanks.



NUMBER FOUR, we know how much it's going to cost if we talk about getting fucked.

We know we're going to get blamed and shamed and punished.

We know that the things we did while getting fucked make no fucking sense to you. Why didn't you leave? Why didn't you fight? Why didn't you scream? Why didn't you take a picture or call the cops or scratch or bite?

And you're right. They don't make any fucking sense. Unless you're accustomed to being prey. And you're probably not.

If we talk about it, we're going to willingly step onto the social scale of "WHO SHOULD WE BELIEVE, MAN VS. WOMAN" and we know that we always lose that contest. Even if we win, miraculously, because 16 other people have stepped up to corroborate our story, or because somehow some physical evidence has surfaced, we lose.

We will be called opportunists, liars, sluts, gold-diggers, airheads, cock teases, and so, so much worse. Those are some emotional fucking consequences right there.

And we're going to have concrete fucking consequences if we get fucked by someone at work, like these young comics got fucked by a giant in their industry.

Quick question, bud - How much do you care about your career?

Do you care enough about it to do it for free on holidays, evenings, and weekends while not having a family and working grueling, disrespected jobs like handing out flyers in all weather, sign spinning, telemarketing?

Do you care about it enough to take your paycheck and buy classes so you can get better at it? Do you care enough to keep trying even after you get rejected daily, not just for your ability to perform the job, but also for your height, your weight, your face, your accent, your race, your personality?

Do you love accounting that much? Do you love auto parts that much? Because performers care about their careers exactly that much.

And when you think about the number of hours they have spent to get in a room with a HUGE guy, THE GUY right now, THE GUY who can give them their dreams - not just the hours of work onstage, but hours of dog-walking and envelope-stuffing and gluing resumes to head shots and sending out demo and hearing "you're too fat" and "you're too pretty" and "I'm sure we can work something out"... OF COURSE they had to weigh the cost of sucking it up one more fucking time. OF COURSE they did.

Do you think that means they deserved to get fucked?



In conclusion, let me address a fear expressed by a number of men on Facebook and Twitter this evening.

Many of you are wondering, out loud and at impressive length, about the nature of masculinity - can a man truly be a man without accidentally breaking a few delicate flowers on his long march to glory? Isn't sex itself a kind of madness? How do we know if we've trespassed?

To quote myself a couple of weeks ago, pay a-fucking-ttention, Chad. Also, SIT THE FUCK DOWN, if I roll my eyes any harder I will be looking at the sizzling surface of my enraged lady brain.

If you're genuinely not sure how you can manage the fucking precision balance of both owning and operating a penis, and not being a fucking abusive predator, I made you this handy meme.

You can print it out and keep it near your computer, bedroom, in your wallet, with the condoms, taped on the ceiling over your bed, taped up inside your eyeglasses so it's literally the only fucking thing you can see while you're navigating this world that is full of people that you're just not sure if you can fuck pleasantly.




You're welcome, good night, and good grief.


*** UPDATED TO INCLUDE MY THOUGHTS ON HIS APOLOGY IN RESTAURANT PARABLE FORM, AS IS MY HABIT ***


You go to a restaurant. You look at the menu, and there are only 2 things you can order: steak, or salad.

You order steak. It tastes good.You go back to the same spot. Steak, or salad.You order steak. Shit, you love that steak.
You go back again. Steak. Again. Steak.
You go back one day and sit down, and you see that woah, steak is off the menu. 
There’s only one thing left to order.
You order the salad.
That’s how I feel about Louis C.K.’s apology. 
He finally ordered his “sorry,” but only after “success” was no longer on the menu.
Not proud of this guy for ordering literally the only thing on the menu. Not proud of him for telling us how admired he is enough times to remind me of our Dear Leader. I’d be a little more amenable to accolades if he’d quit the meat before the kitchen cut him off.
Also, it's absolutely fucking devastating and enraging to see how clearly you fucking get it, Louis, how much you obviously understand why what you did was wrong.
And how little that mattered when you wanted to get off.
It's worse to know that you knew how much you hurt us, but just didn't give a shit.

*** UPDATED AGAIN TO INCLUDE A LINK TO ON GRACE AND FORGIVENESS, MY RESPONSE TO PEOPLE WHO WANT ME TO BE NICER TO LOUIS C.K. ***

Follow KatyKatiKate on Facebook & Twitter

Get an email when I post something new

I don't make a dime
100% of proceeds go to RAINN
& Sisters of Color Ending Sexual Assault

This is my work
If you found this post valuable
please consider sharing it with your people
and supporting my work through Patreon 
or Paypal (katykatikate at gmail)

120 comments:

  1. This is really powerful. Thank you for sharing. "Everyone is a threat" particularly moved me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You're great. Glad to have read this.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Until this year, I'd only ever heard of "fight or flight." So if I either didn't run or didn't put up my dukes, I deserved what I got. But guess what? My therapist recently taught me there are two other "f" responses - "freeze and friend" - and I don't fucking know why they're not as famous. And KATYKatiKate - you've done a stellar job describing these two just-as-valid, just as common, just as human responses.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Every time I say "fight or flight" I say "fight, flight, freeze, or appease" (I like the rhyming of that better than the alliteration of 'friend', but it's the same thing), and most of the time I explain to people exactly why I'm doing it. I'm doing it because otherwise people don't know, like you didn't know, and it hurts them deeply on top of other hurt. And I ask people to join me in trying to spread that knowledge.

      I'm glad your therapist taught you about it. I'm sorry (and angry for you & us all) 'common knowledge' failed you.

      Delete
    2. Thank you so much for sharing that! While it was something I understood intuitively, I don't know if I'd ever heard that other people had catalogued the other two "f"s.

      Delete
    3. My therapist told me fight, flight or play dead (like a possum.)
      I've had so much guilt about playing dead. It really helped me.

      I like fight flight, freeze or appease, though. I'm stealing that. I might email it to my therapist, actually.

      Delete
    4. A sociology prof once told me that the "fight or flight" idea was the results of studies done years ago... on men only. They used to not include women in any medical or psychological studies because supposedly our cycles introduced unknown variables; surely whatever men experience is the same for women, even biological reactions to stimuli, though obviously we are biologically different. She told me of a new idea, "band and withstand." Women are great at ENDURING hardship, especially when we ally ourselves with others. Still, I like this recent trend of fighting. I like it so much! "Freeze and appease" is so dead-on accurate, but maybe that's going to change someday. I see a light at the end of the tunnel for the first time in my long life. Whew!

      Delete
    5. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    6. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  4. This really is an article I enjoyed a lot, and shared.....for it's informal but intelligent conversational way about it.... I, however, would challenge the end rant, which kind of doesn't take into account that some people are just now learning how to be decent humans, and need that permission to improve..That space to improve. I say this as a queer woman....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I want to hug you to pieces for saying that and I say this as a hetro female. Slowly we\humanity
      are learning.

      Delete
    2. Hi Kitty & Kristie! I appreciate both of your points of view, and I totally agree that it's important to give people space to learn and permission to improve. I have been the recipient of so much grace in some spheres where I've come in as a full-blown asshole - I'm thinking right now of an anti-racism group where I, as a WW, did a lot of unknowing harm, and where I got tough love, but love nonetheless. I thought long and hard about that last bit - I'm assuming you're talking about my feelings about his apology. There is so much right in what he said that it makes his actions even more confusing and hurtful. When he walks the walk, I'll be able to offer grace. Right now all I can offer is the respect of saying what I think and feel, in this tiny corner of the internet. <3

      Delete
    3. Katie, bullshit. I can tell from your closed minded and closed hearted attitude that you're only interested in your own anger, not in offering grace. And how dare you downplay your own complicity in refusing to offer space to someone who is learning by claiming that "oh, it's just my little blog so it doesn't really matter!" The fact is, your hardhearted opinion is MORALLY COMPLICIT REGARDLESS OF ITS REACH. The actions of people like you will continue to alienate people from understanding feminism.

      Delete
    4. You know what? Just because someone apologizes doesn't mean you owe them forgiveness. It's not like putting a dollar in a soda machine. A lot of people can say pretty words and really feel they mean it while they said it. And a great deal of damage was done to these women by his acts. A part of being sorry and making ammends is accepting that people won't be just get over it because you feel bad you did shitty things to people and now you've run into consequences. A person works and shows and demonstrates they are changing because it's the right thing to do. Not because they get a cookie. And expecting others to be nice and forgive once an apology is given is the same damn sexist bullshit women have been served since time immemorial. Be nice. Smile. Don't be angry. See? The nice man is sorry he harassed women with his penis. It's over now. Pass the sugar, Dear, and let's not talk about unpleasant things anymore.

      Delete
    5. This!

      "A part of being sorry and making amends is accepting that people won't be just get over it because you feel bad you did shitty things to people and now you've run into consequences. A person works and shows and demonstrates they are changing because it's the right thing to do. Not because they get a cookie."

      Delete
    6. I no longer give any effs about what comes out of people's mouths or thier apologies. Check me in a year or two. How much of his wealth will he have given away to combat this issue? Which psychotherapy and rehabilitation treatments did he do? What has he done to make amends to the women he hurt? Then let's check in again in 10 years. Had he stopped this behavior or did it just go deeper underground? Correcting this brand of behavior requires a full blown deep dive into the recesses of one's shadowy parts. Will he have done that work? If so, then we can talk about grace. #iamnotjesus

      Delete
  5. I now hate louis as much as the next lady, but jesus christ how old are you really?? Your writing is so messy and disjointed that I honestly feel like I lost a few points of IQ by having to read through it all simply for an ending, wow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Mikaelanaomi! Sorry to hear that. If you prefer more formal formats, you might want to avoid any of my pieces that have the word "fucking" in the title - those are rants that I kind of spit out when something shitty happens. Thanks for reading!

      Delete
    2. Hey. Maybe consider that this wasn't authored for your approval. And that maybe no one should have to give a fuck what your opinion of good writing is. This doesn't exist to earn your language arts gold star, and if your IQ is dropping, it's likely because you're wasting brain cells in the process of shitting on people. Don't be an asshole. If you don't like it, take your condescending comments and find something else to worry your neurons over.

      Delete
    3. @Illeriata - Hah! you owned @mikaelanaomi

      Delete
    4. Maybe try applying those stellar editing skills to your own comment before posting, @mikaelanaomi.

      #BitterIrony

      Delete
    5. Strange you read it right through to the end if you hated it that much. I thought it was very well written and put a new light on something that is on everyone's mind. The analogies, metaphors (the toothy beast, menu choices) are insightful. And the smiling and de-escalating. That is absolutely something I would do (and have done). I shared the shit out of it!

      Delete
    6. I have a degree in literature and I see nothing juvenile or difficult to parse about Katie's post. Don't try to read anything by James Joyce, lest you convince yourself a child wrote that, too, in an effort to protect your self-image from a harsh truth.

      Delete
    7. Unnecessary, asshole comment that contributes nothing to the conversation and tries to tone police the way the author shares their experiences of assault and abuse. This isn't a graduate thesis. Go away and think about what an asshole you are.

      Delete
    8. Mikaelanaomi - Your comment has two comma splices (I'll let you find them yourself, since you are the self-appointed arbiter of good prose).

      Delete
  6. You've made me think with your writing and I thank you for that. Different style of writing but thoroughly understandable and succinct. Thanks for making the effort and taking the time towrite this.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you for writing this. As a counselor by training, I've read all this stuff in text books. I know all this and I've taught this to others. I don't do shitty stuff like this to women, and I don't deserve a gold star for any of this. There are other guys out there like me. None of them deserve a gold star for being un-shitty. YOU deserve a gold star for writing this and doing it in a way that hopefully gets through to people who aren't understanding the books, the lessons, the speeches, etc. So ... just ... thank you for telling your story. And thank you to every other woman who's brave enough to tell her story. We need to hear it, and we're listening.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

      Delete
  8. Please teach daughters they can sometimes actually just walk out. It's ok to not please everyone all the time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    2. I think you might have missed the point, its not always safe to "walk out" of a situation like this, he might get violent, he might do more than wank off in front of you. you might have to fight for your very right to live if you trigger this creep! (edited for bad typo)

      Delete
    3. That seems like American fear mongering to me.

      Delete
    4. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    5. Sometimes a situation can take one by surprise and one doesn't know what to do, so does little but freeze...I've done that, even without any actual threat apparent. So with at least the implied threat of a badly-behaving, erratic person who is probably physically stronger than one in the same room, freezing seems pretty damned likely. Not so much a choice.

      Delete
  9. Here's my beef...or if you're vegetarian, whatever beef's vegetarian equivalent is. WHY NOW??? And why all the focus on sexual abuse? And movie stars? WHERE IN THE FUCK has all the outrage been for all these women who have suffered horribly from physical abuse for years and years? These women have been met with silence. These women have been shamed into silence. These women have suffered alone, all alone and none of you...or not many...said damm thing. But now it's movie stars... now it matters. Why? Can someone tell me why? Can we just agree that abuse is abuse and should never ever be tolerated in any form and it's our duty to speak up for those who cannot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Legit beef. Legit... bean curd.

      Delete
    2. I suspect it's less to do with it only mattering now because it's movie stars, and more to do with the platform they're generally provided with. Just as when a celebrated person dies of cancer, they're going to get more widespread press and attention than would your neighbor or your co-worker. I'm inclined to think that, rather than focusing on "why movie stars?" perhaps consider that at last a wall has been broken through so that people are finally listening to these stories at all levels.

      Delete
    3. Because we've managed to elect a president of the United States who grabs pussy and gloats about it during his campaign. Remember?

      Delete
    4. The simplicity and inclusivity of #MeToo has enabled the avalanche of stories ... but the stories have been told, suppressed, ridiculed, repeated and used for victim-blaming for centuries. One thing we must change is the 7 year statute of limitation for sexual prosecution. It takes children longer than that to realize what happened was wrong, and find the strength to testify. And yes, we have Trump to thank for bringing this inappropriate response to violence to an end, once and for all.

      Delete
    5. Trump's bad behavior and boasting and Cosby's hung jury despite admissions, and the generalized misogyny of the current Congress among others, probably helped make the current outing seem even more necessary than it might've at other times.

      Delete
  10. Still waiting for the outrage for our piece of shit president. Where is it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He didn't actually do anything unlike your loser rapist slick Willy

      Delete
    2. He didn't actually do anything?? Good god you're a moron.

      Delete
    3. I say this AGAIN ... the difference between "loser Sick Willy" (REALLY?) and that orange guy who occupies the White House now, is that Willy LOVED women, (maybe a little too much?) and Trumpelthinskin HATES women. Just that difference between "love" and "hate" is pretty important to me and to how I look at this whole mess.

      Delete
    4. There are plenty of people who hold Trump and Bill Clinton in contempt for their bad behavior (among other things). If you haven't heard of it, you've been making an effort not to.

      Delete
  11. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  12. This article is amazing, if not extremely troubling. Powerful stuff.

    There are many ill men (and I’m sure a fair percentage of women) who know they are sick (in terms of mental/emotional health) but won’t do anything about it and continue their ways of doing things regardless of who they hurt along the way. It takes a level of strength and courage to look within and address one’s inner demons and heal, but many simply choose the easier path, which is to do nothing...until they get backed into a corner and have no choice. Hello Kevin Spacey...

    ReplyDelete
  13. You have said everything as perfectly as anyone ever could have.

    Thank you for speaking what my heart and soul couldn’t vocalize.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thanks. I am a Professional Performer. You nailed it.

    ReplyDelete
  15. This was perfect. You said all the things I have been thinking. I have a request. I would like to post portions of this on my FB page as well as a link to this here original post of yours. Would you mind if I edited out the fucks in my quotations or changed them to screwed? (I would make note that I changed them). Simply because I want the uber religious people in my life to actually read this, and sadly they won't because of the fucks. I just think this is so much better than anything I could write. If you'd rather I not, I can absolutely respect that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for asking, Jill-O! Of course you can.

      Delete
  16. While I appreciate your viewpoints, the molten lava in which you deliver them is not likely to have much positive effect on the people you are looking to reach. I'm 64, an original and lifelong feminist, and I know from experience that your astonishing level of anger is not going to make any worthwhile but oblivious man suddenly clueful. This groundswell of action finally being taken against predators is remarkable and unprecedented. These men are losing their income and status they are outed, being ostracized by their industries. Why not use your visibility and voice to support those actions and the victims instead of trying to change the mindset of people who will not look at anything outside their own small heads?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Look up "tone policing". Yeah.

      Delete
    2. Look up "tone policing". Yeah.

      Delete
    3. Thank you to Katie for giving voice to the anger of many (though apparently not all) of us. Sometimes anger is important to express. It's catalyzing, and can start us down the path of defending ourselves instead of pleasing. Sometimes it's the beginning of a revolution.

      Delete
    4. My husband (a "worthwhile" man) had his already-generous horizons uncomfortably broadened by this piece and is now evangelizing it to his male friends and Facebook followers like it is his job.

      Rage is appropriate. Expletives are vivid. And people (even men! OMG!) are capable of growth if you don't perpetuate their ignorance by underestimating them.

      Katie: rage on. It's working. And thank you. ❤

      Delete
  17. Thank you for this. I am almost 60 years old and had the insane idea that things would be easier for our daughters.

    Spoiler alert: They aren't easier. If anything, they're worse.

    ReplyDelete
  18. As a rape victim, this was great. As a sexually harassed woman, this was great. As a person whose life partner is named Chad... Not great. Leave the chad out and you get an a+++

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! It’s so funny, I picked Chad because it was the least offensive name i could think of, which i thought made for funny tension when used to refer to, well, you know.

      Delete
    2. I LOVED your use of the name Chad. Actually, my ex-boss’s name is Chad. The reason he’s my ex-boss is because he was fired for sexual harassment. The reason he was fired is because I reported him...Fucking Chad.

      Delete
  19. You rock, lady. This is my take on the subject: any man who thinks his penis is a weapon deserves to be disarmed. Because every man is armed and dangerous.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thank you. Every man should read this. Twice.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Thank you. Every man should read this. Twice.

    ReplyDelete
  22. 1st- Fuck that guy. And all of ‘em. Your world of bullshit is crumbling motherfuckers.

    Buuuuuut, #2. Women are not all the same. This author very much generalizes her experiences as if they exist for all women.

    “Everyone starts as a threat. Including a schlub that you think of as harmless.

    Every woman you know has a facial expression she makes to her girlfriend to come get her out of the conversation.”

    Neither of these things have ever existed for me. I have, since I was quite young, been in control. I don’t know why. I have experienced some of the things other women have but none of those experiences have EVER defined me. They were not abuse, they were an attempt. Of course this trait is recognizable to predators, which makes me equal, and a bad choice for prey.

    I struggle in the world of misogyny because I DO get paid at least 20% less than men in my industry. I DO have men attempt to mansplain basic shit to me. I DID recently experience an enormous amount of people only believing my testimonies when there was a man to collaborate my stories and feelings. I DO revel in this time of calling out the scum bags who indulged so carelessly in their filth.

    But I find distaste in a woman writing in a way that denies me my strength.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree with you, this is my feeling as well. I've had lots of "attempts", too. Great way to explain that.

      Delete
    2. Wow, Erin. Thanks for making me think that maybe I just wasn't *strong* enough to stop my friend's father from sticking his fingers in my vagina when I was 11. I mean I was strong enough to fight off the two men who jumped out of the back seat car that pulled up beside me at 7:00 in the evening and tried to drag me into the car. So, you know, I should have been able to fight off the that man when I was 11. Should have been strong enought to fight off the other two men who physically overcame me and held me down while they raped me. According to you, I should have been more in *control.* I guess in one of those instances I shouldn't have been working alone in a building which was locked. Or maybe I should have thought to convince another man who worked there to check and see if someone was hiding in the men's room until everyone had left. You know what. I think maybe I should stop trying to re-think how I could have been strong enough/smart enough/ something enough to have stopped the times some man succeeded in molesting me and think about all the times I did succeed in stopping the attempt, and then I can stop writing in a way that somehow fucking *denies* YOU *your* strength.

      Delete
    3. Do not speak to me that way. It’s completely inappropriate and does not leave much room for an actual conversation to take place.
      I get that your response comes from the aspect of someone who has been hurt. Mine too. I am a woman living in the same world as all of the others. I have been taken advantage of. I have experienced physical spousal abuse. That didn’t happen to me because I was weak.
      I not in anyway implying that women who have been attacked or abused are at fault for “being weak.” Not even a little bit. The difference between me never having been molested as a child, or drugged, or over taken by a group of men is pure circumstance.
      On one hand I am lucky that I’ve never been attacked, drugged, or raped (exclude date rape) in the same sense that I’m lucky I’ve never been hit by a drunk driver. It’s luck. I do credit myself with avoiding accidents by being an extremely attentive and defensive driver, in addition to never being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Just as I credit myself for at least 4 encounters where I either stood up to someone who was very close to raping me and once acted fiercely to remove myself from a situation that I believe would have resulted in my death.
      I don’t feel the way she told the world that all women feel, regardless of what my personal reasoning is, and not to say that my reasons should apply to everyone.
      I believe women need to play a large role in defining of the future. Men do need to change, but not on our behalf, and not because we aren’t capable of being powerful. They need to change because the world was molded under some fucked up circumstances, and they need to admit that, do their best to understand it, and change.
      I don’t appreciate “journalists” perpetuating the idea that men need to fix these problems and then consistently provide reasoning and examples that portray women as delicate flowers. It doesn’t do anything for mens concept of women or assist in building proper ideals in relation to equality. In that same context, women don’t need to hear over and over again that they are, as a gender (not an individual) weak. I don’t see how it it encourages women who have suffered and who feel like they have no control over themselves or the world discover their own personal power.
      I don’t begin every encounter assuming he is a threat. I go into every encounter with every person I come in contact with letting them know we are equal, and if you step to me, I will meet you. If you take it to a level of violence, I will meet you. If I suffer grave consequences for that strength, it was worth it.
      I’m not saying that every woman should be like me. I do hope that every woman can find her own personal power and control regardless of what men do or don’t do. I also hope that the dialog I’ve seen used over and over again for some time doesn’t continue to tell us all that this power does not already exist.
      I’m a powerful woman. Not in my industry, not monetarily, not really at all. I just am. That is what I choose. I don’t expect anyone else to be in the same place as me, although I know that there are other woman out there. I don’t look down upon women who arent. But it doesn’t mean I have not suffered as a woman.
      I say to this author, “You do not speak for me. Your words and feelings are not mine. And I believe the way you have generalized women makes all the pain I have suffered to get to the point I am at seem in vain.”
      On a further note, I have been considering the position that as I was not taken advantage of at an early age, drugged, or attacked, I am actually speaking from a point of privilege. I have well understood my privilege as a middle-class American woman in regards to others around the world who find themselves in more controlling societies. I don’t think many American women who have not had these experiences often consider themselves privileged over other American women that have. I am exploring that idea currently in my life and I believe it is something that needs to be discussed.

      Delete
    4. And to clarify, the strength I was referring to, since the beginning, was the power to overcome my abuse and the pain I endure as woman and continue to allow every person the benefit of the doubt that they do not intend me harm, and allow myslef a life hat is not lived in fear.

      Delete
  23. thanks for an interesting post about today's insanity.
    On Louis C. K. : I think his statement showed that he understands exactly the "predicament" as he called it, that he put those women in, but I am fairly certain he was saying he DID NOT understand that "at the time it happened" - isn't that correct? So, for that reason, I disagree with your assessment that his understanding made it even worse that he did it.


    Also, I had the feeling these incidents were from a long time ago, and nothing current or recent. Am I wrong abut that?
    Just trying to leave some hope that someone intelligent like Louis C.K, that would have been ignorant and an asshole enough in the past to have done these things, might be also capable of changing and understanding how wrong it was, and becoming a better person. I'd like to hope that is the case here, without sounding like I want to ignore how disgusting it was or let him off the hook. thoughts?

    ReplyDelete
  24. Qow! Who the heck are you? Where have you been? Why have I only discovered you now? Gee, thanks! This is great and I'll bet you are too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wish I could edit that "Qow" to WOW, but instead I invented a new and more positive exclamation.

      Delete
  25. This is the best piece I've read so far about this whole ugly mess! I've never read your blog before, but I'll be returning. You're a wonderful writer.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Couple of things. I guess first, he didn't apologize. He acknowledged that the women were speaking the truth, and that he needed to go away and listen more. I find that infinitely more hopeful than a 'please forgive me, and now I'm going to a treatment facility in Switzerland'. Still a predator. Still vile, but there is a recognition that you don't see in the flailing from others. Second, unless you were one of the women he attacked, I'm not sure how you get to decide if he can be forgiven. You can decide never to watch his sorry butt ever again, or to make sure that none of your entertainment dollars end up in his pocket, but forgiveness is for the women he assaulted. You and I can be offended, but he didn't do this to me, so the forgiveness is not mine to hand out

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great reply. I would add that he's not a predator. He harassed people and abused his power doing it. But that's not predator behavior. Thanks

      Delete
    2. You only define predator as someone (-thing) who devours prey? How about finding someone weaker and psychologically destroying her, that's not predatory? How about turning someone into prey for the rest of her life with the trauma you instill, in order to satisfy your own needs, because her needs are irrelevant to you? How about that, huh - not predatory?

      Delete
  27. About the comments that men won't read or understand this: This piece does SO much good for women like me who've been angry and *mostly* silent for so fucking long. I don't care if men understand it or get woke because of it. I do care that *I* and so many other women now have an omg-that's-exactly-it description of what it's like to be hounded. Thank you x a gazillion, Katie. I'm 60 now, some wrinkles, gray hair, a bit of that neck thing happening, and I am relieved as hell that I no longer get followed and get that "hey, babe" shit—and worse. WHAT A RELIEF. Y'all are gonna love the strange sensation of walking down a public street with relative anonymity.

    ReplyDelete
  28. This is an amazing piece; thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Oho! On my FB "On This Day" anniversary page was this jewel from 2014 (it's a tad schmaltzy but still strong): https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/11/older-women-feeling-invisible_n_6140494.html

    ReplyDelete
  30. You fucking NAILED it! Just saw the 60 Minutes interview with Aly, who was abused by the USA Gymnastics doctor for YEARS. Women are prey freaking everywhere, in every walk of life, and their careers hang in the balance, as do their dreams and aspirations. Their very sense of self. Your post is brilliant and I’ll be sharing it. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  31. It is much the same for small men or men who do not resort to violence. Stronger men will always take advantage of weaker men. The resulting fear that the man being "fucked" feels, is much the same as a women's fear. The main difference is that EVERY woman knows this feeling of being fucked, controlled and victimized. I have been assaulted by men, in a sexual manner due to my pacific nature. I have been assaulted by men in a violent nature because of my pacifism. These experiences with men have left me truly understanding a women's point of view. This is nothing new to me. I have know how men really are since a very young age. I do not have the foresight to know what we are headed for with the recent outings of these bad men, but I hope that in the future more men such as myself who do not engage in such behavior will join women in the fight against this awful social blight.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for sharing this perspective. I never considered that this was happening to other men but I suppose it’s actually a power dynamic rather than a gender one. Please do join up with us in changing the paradigm and have a society where we can be in peace. Thank you brother!

      Delete
  32. I have so much I'd like to say about this piece, but it mostly boils down to "Thank you for putting this into words, and putting it out there."

    Oh, and this?
    "If every time that you saw a McDonald's commercial, you had a 50-50 chance of getting punted in the gnads, you'd flinch every fucking time you saw the golden arches."
    YAAAAAASSS!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Amazing darling, thank you! You're genius!:)

    ReplyDelete
  34. Love you’re Lady Rage. Thank you- totally forgot that someone exposed themselves to me- in a Hallmark, at age 9... can’t believe we’ve all been practicing these survival techniques for so long.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Thank you for succinctly expressing our collective rage and fears. This is the stuff of paradigm shift!

    ReplyDelete
  36. Thank you for succinctly expressing our collective rage and fears. This is the stuff of paradigm shift!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Yes and yes and yes. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  38. As a man, I sincerely apologize for the actions and behavior of so many of my gender. Your post was very enlightening for me. I will admit that I had wondered, in situations such as this, why the women didn't just leave. I get it now. And I feel remorse for this not being plainly evident. I can't stand "bullies" of any nature and strive to fight for the oppressed. Thank you for opening my eyes even wider.

    ReplyDelete
  39. KatyKatiKate, thank you for your unabashed, authentic and raw expression. I have felt more empowered all day since finding this first thing on my phone this morning. God bless you, your strength and fuck it I'm speaking my truth attitude. How can I get in touch with you? I'm co-hosting a women's event 2/10 in Scottsdale, AZ with a colleague called WE RISE. Timing on this particular topic couldn't be more timely.
    Right On!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi LuRae! Email me at katykatikate@ gmail! I’d love to hear more!

      Delete
  40. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the times you and I and every other woman has had to soothe and talk someone away.
    Maybe that’s why I cut my hair off and perfected my resting bitch face. I was tired of having to cater to their delicate fucking egos. So my face says it for me.
    Thanks for writing this. Definitely sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  41. What really enrages me about his apology is how he slips in "The power I had over these women is that they admired me" bullshit. He worked in the same small field. He knew the people they knew. He knew the places they worked. He knew the people who could hire them. He was connected. They were starting out in the same professional communities in which he was already well-established. A man doesn't have to explicitly make professional promises or hint at his ability to help/hinder his victim's career for that to be power. (And I'm not getting into the threat and the physical/emotional power you cover so brilliantly in this post). Louis C.K. was wielding far more than admiration. And the fact that his apology is otherwise pretty on-point makes me think that describing his power exclusively as "admiration" is no accident. He is subtly making the argument that what he did wasn't that reprehensible. After all, people (usually) admire their spouses, and (mostly) manage to show each other their genitals consensually. He uses "admiration" as a subtle argument in his favor--in the midst of his APOLOGY. And I am disgusted.

    ReplyDelete
  42. He never apologized either, even when forced to order the salad. He didn't say sorry. He needs to be held accountable. Thank you for writing this. I love it.

    ReplyDelete
  43. I think that its likely that Louie didn't know how much his actions affected those women until they went public and said something about it, which means he didn't really have a reason to apologize. You can chalk that up him being an asshole, but I don't think it's useful blame any one person for what is, unfortunately, a common ignorance. Once Louie learned that the had hurt those women, he issued a real and honest apology, and I truly don't believe that he did it because that was his only option.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Anyone who has been victimized feels damaged. It's a difficult feeling to overcome. I'm glad these people who victimize others are finally learning what it's like to be on the other end of power. Keep shining the light in dark places!

    ReplyDelete
  45. This is amazing. AMAZING. Thank you for articulating these points so clearly. Imma catch shit for sharing it because of your adult words, which ironically, some people act as though those words are more offensive than what Louis CK did. Really. Some people live in a bubble.

    ReplyDelete