who are you? a pop quiz!


A 5-question pop quiz to determine who you are 
in the event you aren't sure yet.

1. How long have you been holding that wad of regurgitated carrot in your hand?

A) Ew what? No. NO. This is an exfoliating moisturizer I just made from farmer's market carrots and fresh ginger to energize my antioxidants and shrink my pores, which is really important to me. If a genie gave me 2 wishes, one of them would be to energize my antioxidants and shrink my pores, and the other one would be peace in Syria. And if he was a stingy genie and was like "that's 3 things," I'd be like, fine, I'm sure Syria will figure itself out.

B) OMG, just literally a second. I saw someone choking and I was like spit it out! And he did. I'm just so thankful I was here to save his life. Can you take a quick pic for me? I don't want to be like "selfie with the person whose life I just saved," you know? OK but make it look like a candid. Got it? Greaaaaaat... aaaaaand... posted! Ew, yeah, this is gross. I'm going to wash my hands. 

C) Long enough for the regurgitated carrot to cool in the ambient air, and then be warmed again by my own palm. Sooooooo... a long time. It's fine though. I can totally tie a tiny shoe, make a peanut butter sandwich, AND butter an English muffin one-handed. 

D) Wait, do you mean Trevor? This is Trevor, everybody. Someone tried to eat him but I got him back. PLUS some teeth!

2. What is this?

A) Bene, Orrrrrrecchiette Primavera! (said in an authentic Italian accent) (kisses fingertips) Bellissimo!

B) It looks like pesto pasta with peas and... is that arugula? SNAPCHAT!

C) OOOOOOOOH YUMMMMMYYYY cheesy shells with (spirit fingers) green fairyberries and magic leaves (Do not call them vegetables in this house. Do not even THINK it, motherfucker.)

D) Nice try, George Soros. NICE TRY. But I'm an AMERICAN and I KNOW MY RIGHTS.

3. You sleep through the alarm and accidentally wake up 5 minutes before you have to leave. What's your move?

A) My move? Double Nescafe, handful of almonds, throw mascara and blush in my handbag, pull on my slam-dunk dress and heels, and GO! 

Whew! I mean, not that it's fun to rush out of the house in the morning, but sometimes it just makes you feel ALIVE, right? GOD I WANT TO PUNCH SOMEBODY JUST TO FEEL IT!

B) My move? Text my co-worker and say I'll be a few minutes late. Pour a go-cup of coffee, grab a granola bar from the pantry, pick up yesterday's pants from the floor, then look at myself in the mirror, shrug, say out loud "This is what I look like now," (#SadAffirmations) and go.

C) My move? Say "fuck fuck FUCK" and then slap myself in the face. This is no time to panic. 

Throw apples, bananas, peanut butter crackers, and bags of Goldfish into two backpacks. Put empty water bottles in the mesh bottle pockets - they can fill them up at school. Pop toaster waffles in the toaster. 

Run into the bedroom to put on literally the first garments that will not result in my arrest when I appear in public. Raincoat with nothing underneath? FINE. It won't be the sweatiest my boobs have ever been, I promise you that. 

When I hear the toaster pop up, run back into the kitchen to slap down a second pair of waffles. Slather butter on the first waffles, then creep into children's room and snatch the older child from his bed. Carry him out with my hand pressed over his mouth. Grab pants, a shirt, and socks from the mountain of clean laundry. Pull them on while he's still looking around, confused. Put his backpack on his back. Hand him a waffle sandwich and an iPad. Repeat with the second child. 

Dash barefoot to the car and clip both children in car seats, then GO GO GO!

D) My move? It's kind of like a bellydance Electric Slide? But with Afro-Cuban influences? I call it the Samantha Bad-Dantha.

4. How would you describe your last pop-cultural experience?

A) I don't want to brag, but I was at the Oscars and Huma is seriously so pretty. I get it now. I totally get why George married her now.

B) My friend hosted an Oscars party and we all drank champagne out of plastic flutes and played Oscar bingo. I won a Sephora gift card!

C) I watched an Oscar highlights clip on Buzzfeed the next morning at 4 am while I made Pop-Tarts for the kids.

D) I smelled a guy named Oscar in a movie theater while he watched a matinee showing of The Shape of Water. Verdict: Oscar is a high-functioning alcoholic who uses Dove soap and baby fresh dryer sheets. And he's single, ladies!

In your world, what's a nooner?

A) When you meet your partner's eyes over the sole meuniere you ordered for lunch and he sort of cocks an eyebrow and you sort of quirk your lips and you beckon to Pierre to ask if lunch can be recooked in 20 minutes or so and Pierre smiles discreetly and says "Mais oui, but of course, and may I show you to the lounge? The lighting is, if I may be so bold, ideal."

B) When you give your fella a quick hummer on a Saturday before you snuggle up for a Handmaid's Tale binge, which is an upsetting combination.

C) When the kids nap and you eat something that you can't recall later but whatever it was, it was a lot.

D) A shot of vodka. Just to get you through.

5. Where did you take your last vacation?

A) Australia! We drank a bottle of champagne as we sailed a yacht around the Great Barrier Reef and the fish were all like "it's totally cool that you have just polluted and destroyed our habitat because you are beautiful and wearing cream sweaters and the sunset is catching the balayage highlights in your hair and girl it is working for you. You, my darling, you are all the food my soul could ever need."

B) Miami! We stayed in an AirBNB and got bed bugs but it was fine because after that fourth daquiri you can't even feel them crawling up your legs anymore. I got so many epic snapchats and like an amazing profile pic of me in a white fedora giving pennies to some skinny Cuban kids. OMG they were so sweet.

C) Disney! The 3-year-old vomited on Goofy and then broke out in viral hives but we paid for day passes and only a rookie turns around after the first barf, right?

D) I don't know where they took me.

Okay! Time to tally up your scores!

Mostly A's?

You're a monster. Switch lives with me?

Mostly B's?

You're 22. Go somewhere without the internet for a decade and grow a soul.

Mostly C's?

Hey girl. That's what I got, too. You okay? Yeah. Me neither.

Mostly D's?

You are bat shit crazy. Probably also pretty fun tho.

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with Ronit Feinglass Plank


  1. Don't get me wrong, I fucking love the feminist werewolf posts with all of my heart. But I love seeing this stuff too.

    "creep into children's room and snatch the older child from his bed. Carry him out with my hand pressed over his mouth" made me lol irl.