stop plotting and sleep

Memo to Chicken
The List of Shit I Need You To Not Fuck With While You're Supposed To Be Asleep:

(Current as of July 20, 2015)

1. Your brother.

Yes, that time there was chocolate on his face.
It was ONE TIME.
Stop licking him.
His face smells
like unflossed teeth.
I'm going to start licking you
in the middle of the night.
See how you like it.
Ya wierdo.

2. Your diaper.

Oh you're upset now
because you peed on the floor?
Well
Huh
That's funny
I could have sworn there was 
a diaper 
between your pee hole
and the floor
when I left.
Oh it came off?
Could that possibly be
because you pulled on the tabs
until the diaper fell off
and then you peed 
on your diaper
on the floor
turning your diaper into a fluffy little canoe
in a lake of human waste?
Could that 
possibly
be what happened?

3. The arrangement of the furniture in your bedroom.

THE CHAIR DOES NOT GO IN FRONT OF THE DOOR.
CHICKEN?
CHICKEN?
PLEASE MOVE THE CHAIR.

4. The curtains.

what pray tell is so fucking funny about sunlight during naptime also why are you in buster's crib also why is buster's crib 3 feet away from the wall also you know what actually never mind

5. Light switches.

You know what?
I'll give you this one.
Fine.
Flip away.
Flip like a politician.
Flip like a pancake.
Flip your flipping heart out.

6. Outlets.

People would ask questions if something happened. 
I can't have people asking questions.

7. The place in the wall where, on the night you started climbing furniture, we panicked and drilled to find a stud so we could anchor the changing table to the wall. 

I told you we were panicking. Also we were drilling in the dark so yeah it was a bad night

8. Your brother's binkies.

But seriously.
Where
are
they.

9. The pillowcases.

Do not stuff them with anything. Especially anything mentioned on this list. Especially your diaper. Really especially that.

10. The location and cellular structure of book pages.

So let me just make sure I'm hearing you. You'd prefer that we never read this book again. Is that what you're saying. Because I just want to make sure I'm understanding that you ripping pages out of the book means no to that book. Is that about it? No? Not it? You'd like me to tape this book together and read it to you again before you tear it apart tomorrow? Do we have the tale of Sisyphus in board book format? I feel like that's a good one for you right now.