uh...

So Chicken and I were drawing together. He said, "we should draw a picture of our family!"

Like most three-year-olds, when he said "we" should draw a picture, what he meant was, "I will give you sometimes contradictory instructions of what to draw. And when your execution falls miserably short, I will flip the fuck out."

But since I'm a masochist, drawing with Chicken is still one of my favorite things. I said, "okay. Who should we draw first?"

"Me!" Chicken replied.

I started drawing him - oval head, two oval eyes, a scribbled cap of straight brown hair...

"Wait! Don't forget the veins!" Chicken interrupted.

"Veins?"

"In my eyes. I need veins in my eyes," he said, holding out the red marker.

"Veins, right."

I tried to draw them in delicately. But it was a fat-tip red Crayola marker. There was no way he wasn't going to look smacked.*

*I totes googled "slang terms for high." Runners-up included: cabbaged, slizzard, gorked, and yippered up.

chicken
lives hard

either that or
there's cat dander about

He barked, "Now do Buster!"

Oval head, two oval eyes...

"Don't forget his mad eyebrows!"

"Why is he mad?" I asked.

"I don't know," Chicken said. "Maybe I just bit him. Yeah, yeah that's probly it. He needs a yelling mouth too."

buster
slash
some kind of
aboriginal
rage god

but dude seriously
i'd be pissed too
if my eyeliner ran like that
that's absurd
you should take that back dude
take it BACK
like would you pay 18 bucks
to look like you just stood in the rain
outside your ex-boyfriend's house
and watched him propose
to your cousin
no
no you would not

"Now do you, Mommy. You're mad, too."

"Why am I mad?"

"Because... uh... just because. You're cranky."

"Mm hmm. Do I have a yelling mouth?"

"Sometimes. Yeah, yeah, definitely a yelling mouth."

"What am I yelling?"

"Just, you know, like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Like that."

"don't forget
you need veins
in your eyes
lots of red veins.
oh
oh oh oh
can you draw a stomping foot?"

fun fact
i originally drew my hair down
but chicken was like
where's your ponytail,
the messy one?
he knows me so well

"OK, now Daddy."

"Is he mad too?"

"Yep. Everybody's mad."

daddy
looks kind of like
a liza impersonator
right?
you see it
right?

I had my concerns as Chicken gave me increasingly specific instructions on how to best draw each member of our family in a screaming rage.

Is this how he sees us?

Is this how we are?

Is this how he feels?

WHAT IS HE TRYING TO TELL ME?

Yeah, I freaked out a little. But then I was like, you know what? If my kid were for real scarred by the demonstration of healthy albeit intense emotions, I don't think we'd be sitting here together talking openly about them. I'm glad he knows that people get mad. I'm glad he's curious about it.

If anything, I was proud of his understanding of the safe, physical evidence of temper. He asked me to draw a stomping foot, but not a smacking hand. He asked me to draw the eyes not blackened, but veined.

I have no doubt that someday he'll ask me to draw a picture of the whole family smiling, crying, pooping, eating poop, whatever. And when he does, don't you worry, I'll post pictures of that masterpiece too. But until then:

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present...

The Von Trapp Family Screamers.