parent season

Jeez, helicopter parents are ruining the world.

Why can't they just let their kids have experiences without trying to fix it all the time?

Look at them, hovering, micromanaging, rather than just letting the kid be a kid for gosh sakes.

Parents are the worst.

holding his hand

on the sidewalk

on a residential street

ugh

helicopter parent alert

Jeez, permissive parents are ruining the world.

Why can't they just take their kids out of the restaurant/store/airplane whenever they pitch a fit?

Look at them, waiting calmly, letting the kid scream and kick and just do whatever he wants.

Parents are the worst.

by all means

let your pint-sized savage

just tear around my bookstore

this isn't a business or anything

let him run

actually, could he damage some property too

i have an insurance claim i'd like to inflate

real quick

Jeez, organic parents are ruining the world.

Seriously, they're gonna spend how much on biodegradable diapers?

They're rubbing it our faces, that they have sooo much money that they can literally shit on it.

Why don't they donate that money to, like, charity?

Like, m

ild winters and multiple insect infestations have significantly affected the spruce-fir forest habitat of Arizona's Pinaleno Mountains— the only place the endangered Mount Graham red squirrel occurs

. 

Parents are the worst.

Jeez, socially irresponsible parents are ruining the world.

Seriously, they're gonna fill up their own personal landfill with human excrement?

What, to save a few bucks on diapers?

Look at them, just slapping a Pampers on that crap-machine, no thought for the otters.

No thought for the Mount Graham red squirrel who's going to be picking corn kernels out of there in a week.

Parents are the worst.

___

Jeez, tiger moms are ruining the world.

Honestly, could you chill the fuck out?

Look at them, pushing their kids to achieve, with their "dangerous perfectionism" and "bilingual nannies who went to Harvard," and nothing but deadlines and Suzuki training and second place is the first loser and "oh you got a 98% on your geometry test? How does it feel to know that you failed so close to perfection? You'll never get into Harvard on this kind of lazy execution."

Joy-sucking Republicans, the lot of them.

Parents are the worst.

do you think you're playing buster

you're not playing

you are inventing

INVENT

I BROUGHT YOU TO THE LAB

DO NOT SHAME ME

Jeez, hippie moms are ruining the world.

Honestly, could you please give a fuck?

Look at them, pushing their kids into outdoor classrooms with their "experiential learning" and "child-led curriculum" and no due dates and no expectations and no competition and no fucking hard knocks and "oh I guess 2+2

could

equal cheese... no, that's not wrong. It's just different. What a special snowflake you are!"

Flaming liberal middle-achievers, the lot of them.

Parents are the worst.

___

Jeez, you named your kid John?

WOW. Way to think outside the box.

That won't be annoying when he's the sixth John in a class of nine students.

Jeez, you named your kid Jonn?

WOW. You just had to spell it different, huh.

That won't be annoying to spell over the phone for the rest of his life.

Jeez, you named your kid Jom?

WOW.

Just wow.

Parents are the worst.

___

Jeez, defensive parents are ruining the world.

It's like, seriously,

nobody is being

mean

to you.

Nobody is judging you

except

just on your appearance

and your child's behavior

and your judgment when you respond to your child's behavior

and your character as interpreted by your judgment

and your child's character.

Just that.

Why do you take everything so personally?

It seems like you want everybody to think of your work as a "real job"

but then when strangers in public places give you

like

really constructive criticism

because they

care

you totally blow them off

or tell them to mind their own business

or cry

which

all of that is so unprofessional.

Truly.

All you have to do is just

be better at parenting

and when your kid

pitches a fit in the grocery store

for example

just do the right thing,

all the right things

that each person around you silently demands of you

simultaneously:

1. get the kid out of there

2. wait patiently until he's done

3. buy the damn pop-tarts

4. firmly and kindly refuse to buy the pop-tarts

5. smack your kid so he knows who's boss

6. give your kid a kiss so he knows you love him no matter what

Honestly

I don't know what is so hard about just

parenting right.

It seems to me that when you do things differently

from the way I was raised

or the way I nannied

or the way my friend parents

or the way I myself parent

it's because

you're probably

stupid

or

don't give a shit.

And it's my job

to correct that.

Or rather

correct you.

Which is why I'm here

on the internet

telling you why you're wrong.

It's not because I'm sad about something in my life

that I cannot fix.

It's not because my own child is a mystery to me

and I need to feel

like I know something.

It's not because I just read a Scary Mommy post

called

"Here's why I Will Never Allow My Children To Have Snacks,"

and there were 12,000 shares

and a comment board full of "Amen, Sister!"

and "Moms who give their kids snacks should be shot

and have their kids removed

and given to loving

snack-free homes,"

and then I looked over at the table where my kids were eating

apple slices

and graham crackers

at 2:30 pm

It's not because I then thought,

Wow,

it took me 4 minutes to meet 12,000 people 

who think

I'm terrible.

It's not because there's a small part of me

that believes their thundering capitalized voices.

It's not because I love my kids so much

and I can't help but wonder how could I possibly be so wrong

about everything

if all I want is to do this right?

That's not why I'm being mean to you,

parent,

stranger,

blogger,

reader.

I'm telling you you're wrong

because you are

like me

and it felt right

at the time.

But now that I think about it,

maybe

just

parents are the worst.