10 things i say to preschoolers slash grown-ass men

hi there buddy

quick question

are you 3

or 33

because that will make

no difference whatsoever

in the things i have to say to you

over the course of a day

1. 

No, it's my turn to talk now.

I listened to you.

And you told a very nice story about your truck.

Now it's your turn to listen to me.

What I have to say is interesting and important too.

2. 

Mmmm... no thank you. 

I don't like body part nicknames. 

3. 

OH MY GOD STOP TALKING

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE 

JUST STOP JUST SHHHHHH

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

FOR ONE SECOND

SWEET JESUS

4. 

I don't know where your shoe is. 

It's yours. 

Where did

you

put it?

5. 

You know what?

That's too close.

I need you off of my body.

I need space.

6. 

Wow!

When you hit and call me names

I can tell that you're sad.

Are you sad?

It's okay to be sad, but it's not okay to hit and call me names.

I'm not going to be around you while you're hurting me.

Maybe you'd better go be alone for a little while.

7. 

Whoops! Yep, those are my private body!

They are not for grabbing!

That makes me

mad.

8. 

No, I'm not available for you right now.

Do you see me eating my lunch?

So I'm not available for you right now.

No, you can't eat my lunch. This is mine.

When I'm available I will come and get you.

Now go play.

9. 

Hey hey hey woah,

did you see there is a person in line here?

OK, well, 

you need to wait.

I know you're excited!

I can see that!

You still need to wait.

Just like everybody.

10. 

Yes, that

is

your penis!

I can see that your penis is just wonderful.

But it's also private.

You can do whatever you want with your penis

at home

alone

in your bedroom,

but here in the parking lot

you need to put it away.