i iron manned
All that talk about self-care was more than just hot air, my friends. I really was on the edge.
I Iron Manned today.
You know.
Iron Man.
I Iron Manned.
(I'm trying to make "Iron Manning" a thing. Go with me on this.)
You know, whenever Iron Man is caught in a massive, multi-fronted battle, and he's getting hammered from all sides, and Jarvis comes on the helmet PA and he's like, "So sorry to interrupt your battling, sir, but your power reserves are down to 10% and you should probably escape, or ask for a quick time-out or something."
And then Iron Man's like, "SHUT UP JARVIS WE HAVE ENOUGH POWER BLAM BLAM BLAMMO!"
And Jarvis is like, "As you say sir, of course, very good sir, but power reserves are now down to 8% and you're going to have to start making some choices if you want to stay in the air."
So Iron Man goes, "OK, lose the running lights. And shut down the AC/DC soundtrack."
So Jarvis says, "Excellent choices of auxiliary programs to eliminate from your power draw, sir. Your judgement as always is unassailable. Unfortunately, it falls to me once again (pronounced a-gayne) to inform you that power reserves are down to 7%. Would you like to shut down shields or flight?"
And Iron Man's like, "Jarvis are you high? I need my shields and flight! What else can we shut down?"
And Jarvis is like, "Well sir, you could shut down your landing protocol... But that is not advisable..."
And Iron Man's like, "Shut down the landing protocol."
And then Jarvis comes on and he's like, "Sir, terribly sorry to intrude when you're so clearly in the thick of it, but sadly your power reserves are down to 4%. 4% is when gravity starts to win again, Sir. You need to land."
And Iron Man's like, "DAMMIT JARVIS NOT WHEN I'M BATTLING," but then his suit starts to sputter and he's like "WHAT THE HECK, JARVIS? ARE WE BREAKING DOWN? WHERE ARE THE POWER RESERVES?"
And Jarvis is like, "Ah, yes, of course Sir, how rude of me, I should have been giving you minute-by-minute updates on the levels of your power reserves. If only I had given you some advance warning! Perhaps you could have withdrawn from the battle and landed safely to recharge. How could I have forgotten to tell you when your power reserves were at 10, 8, 7, 4%! Dash it all, Jarvis! I do apologize. Oh, and your power reserves are now at zero."
And Iron Man's like, "Why am I plummeting into the ocean?"
And Jarvis is like, "Are you seriously asking?"
And Iron Man's like, "I thought we had the power..."
And Jarvis is like, "I TOLD YOU not to shut down your landing protocol."
Obviously Iron Man crashes horribly but miraculously Tony Stark lives, and then an hour later Iron Man has to face the thing that almost killed him (spoiler alert: The villain wasn't the enemy... it was HIS PRIDE).
So, that. Except mine went like this:
Everything reached a fever pitch. Kids on crack, work events, volunteer events, writing project, house in a state that would get me a clutch spot on Hoarders during May sweeps... I was getting hammered from all sides. Ryan tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Sorry to interrupt you, baby, while you're working, but... you seem stretched really thin. Can you take a break tonight and get out of the house? Just do something for yourself?
And I was like, "SHUT UP RYAN I HAVE ENOUGH POWER BLAM BLAM BLAMMO!"
And Ryan was like, "Well of course you do, but you're starting to talk like a Batman comic book again, and you haven't been to yoga in a week or two, and it seems like you might need to make some choices if you want to avoid burning out."
And I was like, "OK, I just won't cook for the kids tomorrow. They've got fat stores, right? And shut down the sex protocol."
And Ryan was like, "Woah woah woah let's not get crazy here! I was thinking more like you could take a walk or something.
And I was like, "TOO LATE."
And then Ryan came back in, and he was like, "Babe, you're dead in the eyes like a shark."
no babe
i got this
i've just gotta
keep swimming
and swimming
and swimming
just gotta
keep going
forever
can't stop
And I was like, "DAMMIT RYAN NOT WHEN I'M BLOGGING AND FOLDING LAUNDRY AND PRE-MAKING ENCHILADAS FOR TOMORROW'S DINNER," but then I stood up and got really dizzy, and I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK, RYAN?" (my life, unlike Marvel movies, is not rated PG so I can say "fuck" like a real person, and not "heck" like all these Baptist-mouthed superheroes) "AM I BREAKING DOWN?"
And he was like, "Yeah, I don't really know how you could have predicted that you were going to hit this wall. If only you had a partner, someone who could tell you when it looks like you're doing too much at once, and like you need a break. If only that person were here, perhaps you could have sex with him to say thank you."
And I was like, "Wait, why do I have such a bad headache?"
And he was like, "Nice."
And I was like, "(cough cough) I could probably rally... just give me a minute to... vomit... Or maybe... we could do it tomorrow instead..."
And Ryan was like, "I told you not to sign up for that school potluck."
So I spent the day dizzy, vaguely nauseated, on the couch watching Orphan Black (WHATSOGOOD) while Ryan took care of the children, made me soup, and brought me sparkling water poured over ice, with a bendy-straw.
What can I say? Sometimes burning out has its perks.