adult vs. child: the unreleased sessions

Thanks for joining us for this q&a. Our goal is to really crystallize some of the similarities and differences between adults and children - their priorities, fears, hopes, and dreams.

Adult: No problem.

Child: I saw a dog.

You did?

Child: Outside.

Oh! Okay...

Child: It was okay. Kinda brownish.

Adult: That's my dog.

Child: It was just okay. Too brown for me, but...

Adult: That's kind of rude.

Child: No, it's just brown.


Let's dive right in, shall we? First question: what would you do for a juice box?

Adult: Pay a fair market price.

Child: Murder.



What will you do if Donald Trump takes office?

Adult: Flee to Canada and outfit a bunker - this is bad, you guys. REALLY bad.

Child: Will it be Tuesday? Because I have gymnastics on Tuesdays.

How do you feel when riding the bus?

Adult: I don't have "feelings" on the bus. I'm not a sicko. 

Child: I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!
Oh my God, can we ride all day? Like all day long?

You're alone behind a closed door in the bathroom for 10 minutes. Your family assumes you are...

Adult: Pooping. Oh, or masturbating.

Child: Dead.


What are you really doing in the bathroom for 10 minutes?

Adult: Pooping.
While masturbating.

Child:

nah not dead just chillin in the sink slash bath still wearin a diap tho and it's growing

What's your biggest beef with your brother?

Adult: Can you call it a "beef" if it's 8 grand I loaned him for his "start-up" that turned out to be a week-long trip to Vegas six years ago? Are we calling that "beef" or is that more along the lines of a fucking "herd of cattle"?

Child: He touched my Tigey. I will never forget this day.

What are you doing in this picture?

Adult: Brushing my teeth.

Child: Sharpening my killer tooth. It's this one. (Points to lower-left incisor.)

i call it pointy for it is my pointy

Tell me about your parents.

Adult: Really? Well... my mom's a nurse, and my dad's a securities broker? And... they like going on cruises... and... Scrabble?

Child: My Daddy is tall and strong and he can lift me all the way up to the ceiling. Mommy reads with funny voices and it's her job to make sure my body stays safe. She has a vagina.

Hey, guess what's for dinner? I made that pasta primavera you loved last week!

Adult: Oh hey, thanks! This looks great.

Child: FUCK you.

You step in a puddle first thing in the morning so you'll be in wet socks and shoes all day. 
First thought?

Adult: GREAT. AGAIN?

Child: GREAT! AGAIN!




What outfit makes you feel like a million bucks?

Adult: Those super-dark jeans, a really great-fitting white shirt with some texture, and a leather jacket.

Child: Doctor coat, cowboy boots. That's it.



Where do you see yourself in ten years?

Adult:  Partner at the firm, married, have a couple of kids, maybe a dog? I don't know.

Child: Is "in ten years" after dinner? Because if so, then "in ten years," I see myself eating a mango popsicle.



What do you pack for a weekend away?

Adult: Change of clothes, pajamas, toothbrush, walking shoes, camera, phone, wallet.

Child: Hello Kitty Band-Aids, binoculars, flashlight, plastic spoon in case of pudding.

What do you do to get ready for swimsuit season?

Adult: I stop eating and drinking, and when I think I am going to die I stand naked in front of a 3-way mirror under fluorescent lights and sob and whip myself like the monk in the Da Vinci Code until I find the strength to go on not eating or drinking until sweater season comes back.

Child: I... put on my swim suit? I guess I don't understand the question. Are you okay?



Finish this sentence: I couldn't live without my...

Adult: iPad.

Child: Skin.
No, wait.
Did he say iPad?
Can I change mine?
iPad.
I didn't know we could put iPad.
iPad.