on unity and quiche
(CW: Graphic brunch imagery, all-capsing, many swears)
APPARENTLY, if every single person doesn’t all agree on everything, then feminism, #metoo, the resistance, the Democratic party, America, and the multiverse are all doomed. DOOMED!
Every time I disagree with someone who's ostensibly “on my team,” some panicky Chad or Nancy emerges from the woodwork to demand absolute agreement or predict catastrophic failure which will, of course, by my fault. Which is just, you know, so refreshing for me.
SHE KILLED #METOO BECAUSE SHE FEELS BAD FOR AZIZ ANSARI! #METOO IS DEAD!!!
YOU LIKE KAMALA? BUT I LIKE ELIZABETH WARREN! FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!! QUICK, YOU HAVE TO LIKE ELIZABETH WARREN RIGHT NOW OR THE EARTH WILL EXPLODE!!!
Alright, everyone, just calm the fuck down.
Pretend we're having brunch here, okay?
We invited everyone from the neighborhood-- close friends, total strangers, everyone who wants to come is invited.
And what happened is, someone brought a gooey quiche to share.
Half the group thinks it’s undercooked, and the other half thinks is a perfectly fine texture for a quiche, except for a few hard-liners who think this is the BEST, ONLY texture for a quiche.
Pop quiz, Hot Shot:
ARE WE CANCELING BRUNCH, BURNING DOWN THE BUILDING, AND KIDNAPPING EACH OTHER’S PETS UNTIL WE CAN ALL AGREE ON THE OPTIMAL QUICHE?
We're staying at brunch. It's BRUNCH TIME. It's actually PAST brunch time if you ask me, but what's done is done and we're here now and we’re having brunch, okay?
We're sticking around and we're going to talk about the fucking quiche.
We're learning about other people's quiche preferences. We're listening to each other about quiche.
Some people might decline to eat the quiche, as is their constitutional goddamn right.
Pop quiz, Snot Clot:
ARE WE KICKING PEOPLE OUT OF BRUNCH FOR EATING DEVILED EGGS INSTEAD OF QUICHE?
Remember that in a diverse group of people, absolute unity is the result of some people choking down quiche they did not want to eat to make you feel better. And I don't know about you, but that's not how I do brunch.
If you don't want to eat quiche, I don't want you to eat it. Scoop up the fucking fruit salad and get a slab of french toast casserole. Fill your belly. Meet me at the table. There is SO MUCH FOOD TO EAT AT THIS BRUNCH, seriously.
What the fuck kind of scary-ass Jordan Peele brunch needs EVERYBODY to like ALL the food or it’s CANCELED?
Have you ever been to a brunch where you wanted to eat everything? And have you ever been a part of a culture shift where you agreed with every single person who wanted on board?
What did you think was going to happen when sexual violence survivors started telling the truth about all the parts of their lives that are unpleasant or humiliating, but not illegal?
What did you think was going to happen when millions of people from millions of places with millions of points of view all agreed one one thing and one thing only: this fucking guy gotta go.
Did you think you were going to agree with everybody about what constitutes assault?
Did you think that you were going to agree with every single person about every single position of every single candidate?
Pop quiz, Squat Yacht:
Did you think you were going to agree with me all the time?
Of course not.
Let me say that again: OF COURSE NOT.
I probably annoy the shit out of you sometimes and I guarantee you bug me too. But we’re here. You don’t have to eat my quiche and I don’t have to eat yours and WE’RE NOT CANCELING BRUNCH OVER IT.
Do you think that tomorrow Reese Witherspoon is going to call a press conference being like, "Time's Up's time... is up. It's over, people. Shut it down. Because of DISAGREEMENT."
Do you think that Kamala is issuing a release in the morning like, “Listen, I came to win and I’ve dedicated my life to public service, but I have officially withdrawn from this race. Because some people disagree with me. About some things.”
The expectation that we have to conform to a single voice at all times or call ourselves a failure is stupid and stinky and is honestly beneath all of our abilities.
So our choice is "Never disagree" or "Quit trying?" False. Lies. Rejected.
For fuck's sake, if you didn't hear me the first 8,000 times, PROGRESS IS COMPLICATED LIKE BRUNCH. PEOPLE ARE COMPLICATED LIKE EGG BAKES.
Stop making this an all-or-nothing affair. Brunch is not canceled because you disagree about the optimal texture of quiche.
Grow up. Calm down. Pay attention. Listen. Move forward.
#MeToo is not about placing additional restrictions on how and when women can talk about their lives. #MeToo is about giving women space and time to speak. There are #MeToo stories that I struggle to integrate into my idea of the movement; my personal struggle does not change the fact that those women deserve time and space to speak.
#TheResistance is not about transporting age-old oppression to a shiny new venue, or forcing marginalized groups to remain marginalized under the label of "progressive" in order to pull forward "the unified group."
#TheResistance is about making space for people to say, "I’ve never tried quiche that jiggly" without fear of getting kicked out of brunch or force-fed eggs you don’t want to eat.
Would you stop hanging out with your friend if you found out he liked jiggly quiche? Please say no.
The breadth and depth of our voices is so much better than one voice, even when those voices are saying, “I disagree.” There is an endless catalogue of songs we can teach each other to sing.
Our disagreement is not a weakness. Our FEAR of disagreement is. Our fear of disagreement is what leads us white, straight, cis folks to need marginalized populations to get on board a train that doesn’t have any seats for them. Our fear of disagreement is what leads white, straight, cis progressives to treat the people we claim to ally with as much disdain and apathy as the people we claim to abhor.
Quit making brunch shitty for people who like their eggs differently than you do.
Don't be scared.
We're strong enough to stand apart even as we stand together.
For fuck’s sake.