the 10 stages of sleep regression

The 10 Stages of Sleep Regression

1. Sympathy

Poor guy... He's having such a hard time. I just wish I knew how to help, you know? Poor little baby... Oh he sounds really upset... 

2. Problem-solving

I am going to use the internet to read about common sleep regression solutions. There is no way the village of the internet will lead me astray.

3. Fear

OhmyGod if he cries like that it could mean he has a ruptured eardrum! Or a urinary tract infection! Did you see any blood in his diaper? DID YOU EVEN LOOK?

Do you think he's okay? He doesn't seem okay. Do you think he's sick? Do you think he's teething? I bet it's a night terror. I bet he had a night terror. I'm going in. 

I KNOW, but he's alone and scared in there! 

4. Paranoia

Oh iiiiiiiii seeeee. I see it aaaaaaallllll so clearly now. Scared, huh. SICK, ya say. Good one, little man. Oh he worked me like Boiler Room. Always Be Crying, right, you little operator? As soon as I walked in he was all "Mama! Mama!" And then I picked him up and he started giggling and pinching my armpit skin. I can't believe I missed the signs, they're so obvious. You should have seen the glint in his eye. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing. He is a pudgy little puppet master and we are dancing to his pudgy puppet master polka.

5. Soaring elation

Wait... did he... is he... asleep? Wait... yes... he's not rustling around... he's quiet. Oh thank God. You know, that actually wasn't too bad! We handled that pretty well I think! There's something to be said for having done this whole thing once bef--

6. Blood Vessel Popping Rage

SON OF A. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Are you fucking serious with this right now? Can you believe this asshole? I5 minutes? 15 minutes is enough for you? No. No. NO. AW HELL NO. Say hello to my LEETLE FRIEND. (wields plunger of baby tylenol)

7. This is All Your Fault

I just don't understand. He slept fine last night. We must have done something wrong. Did you do the baby massage? OK, did you do the night-night song? OK... did you read him three stories? WHAT? You only read two? WHAT? Because he seemed like he was tired? How does that strategy seem to be working out so far, huh? Huh, Mr. Nanny? Huh, Mr. Two Stories Is Enough? Huh, Mr. No Respect for the Ritual of Bedtime? OH OH OH OH and by the way, thanks for the brimming cup of APPLE JUICE with dinner, that sugar load probably isn't contributing to this hellscape at all, nope, not at all, nothing to do with it. 

8. Remorse & Carbs

I'm sorry. It's probably not all your fault. Let's eat a baguette stuffed with mashed potatoes. It feels like the right move.

9. Attempt at Zen, Rapid Slide into Despair

Okay, so, okay. This is just our life right now. White-knuckling two glasses of bourbon, listening to our beloved son howl. Okay. This is just... you know, sometimes you just have to accept the facts of the situation without putting a label on them. Like, okay, he's not sleeping, so we're not sleeping, and he is screaming, and we feel anxious, and we're whisper-fighting, and I'm already bloating from my carb sandwich, and we both feel like we are alone, so alone, so unreachable and exhausted and just unable to summon the will to brush our teeth, which makes us feel like total failures not just as parents or partners but as human possessors of teeth. When we are at the dentist getting root canals, at least we won't be able to hear the screaming... at least there's that, right? So... okay.

10. Co-sleeping 

Fuck it. 

Aaaah after 5 hours of broken sleep I feel and look so refreshed wait sorry I meant recycled like recycled paper kind of gray and permanently floppy like smashed pulp. Yeah that's what I meant. Now I remember why I remember nothing.